The Galactic Gourmand Gorges on Ghagh

The Galactic Gourmand Gorges on Ghagh

In recent years, various research and engineering projects have caused me to find myself working from out of numerous different space stations located in the Spinward Outer Geminga Trade Corridor.

I was surprised to discover how popular Klingon cuisine has become. Apparently Klingons RULE….fast food.

Almost every station I went to, there was at least one kiosk selling Raktajino, Gagh, Racht, and sometimes even Gladst.

I’m talking real food, not that replicated recycled stuff Federationalists try to pass off as legitimate food. I understand the environmental virtues of recycled food, "Good for the environment, okay for you", but not if I am supposed to be paying money to eat it.

Are there no prisons? And the workhouses - are they still in operation? Let them eat recycled food.

Ask yourself, recycled from what exactly? You trust them that much? Look up "Federation Apples poop", it is eye opening. I wonder how many Federationalists have never eaten a real apple.

The legendary General Kang once lamented that Klingons were opening restaurants to serve Racht to the grandchildren of men he slaughtered in battle.

Too bad, Kang, but not even the fearsome battle rage reputation of the Klingon Empire can get in the way of people and good food.

The import of Klingon cuisine became common starting around 2373, when a seemingly permanent Klingon military presence was established on the Bajoran Space Station Deep Space Nine. There were some minor incidents like when a tentacle from a live adult serpent worm grabbed some personnel that did not follow handling protocols while checking the contents of the shipping crates. Some rules exist for needful reasons, people.

Serpent worms are the main ingredient of Gagh. Serpent worms are properly referred to as "Ghargh" or "Gharghmey" before being prepared into Gagh.

People in cantina’s sipped fine Klingon Firewine, argued over what is the best vintages of bloodwine, and some even showed off how sophisticated they are by ordering a Klingon Martini with a Zilm’kach wedge twist.

Warnog is already winning artisanal beer and ale competitions. Watch in the Dunkelweizen (dark wheat) part of the competition, it will be a strong contender.

People can’t be able to start their day without a Raktajino with some Targ’s milk. Klingon Raktajino is like coffee strongly brewed from a fine aged Java variety made even more robust and vigorous as if you mixed dark French roast or Italian espresso beans. Klingons can be subtle and nuanced, while still never forgeting to be robust and vigorous.

If I had invested in Stella and Harcourt’s Raktajino distribution franchise 240 years ago, I could probably afford to buy my own planet today, or at least a very nice moon.

Kids put grapok sauce on anything remotely edible. Teenagers and tweenagers put grapok sauce on each other as some sort of amorous courtship pass-time.

Heart of Targ, Mot'loch and Rokeg Blood Pie are served for birthdays and graduations.

Anniversaries aren’t complete without the happy couple sharing a Krada leg or Pipius claw.

Chech'tluth are all the rage at Fraternity parties and bachelor parties.

Kids everywhere start their day with Tribbles-N-Bits cereal, add Tarq’s milk to make that special gravy.

There are limits, there is just not much of a call for Bregit lung, but people still eat haggis and even pickled haggis, so who knows what the future will bring?

I found a personal liking to was Gagh. Gagh is a Klingon delicacy made from serpent worms. Although most Klingons preferred it live, it can also be served stewed or cold. I am a traditionalist.

The phrase "kill Gagh" is a Klingon expression which means to be counterproductive, as Gagh is best eaten live. It is used in phrases such as, "If you destroy that merchant ship, it is like you kill Gagh." Seriously, why bother? Go live or go home.

There is no plain "G" or "g" in the Klingon alphabet, "Gagh" should be "Ghagh" or "Qagh" if you want to look sophisticated and order directly from the menu. Some discerning connoisseurs insist on referring to Gagh/Ghagh/Qagh as Ghargh or Gharghmey, but technically Ghargh or Gharghmey are the names of the Serpent Worms before it is prepared as Gagh.

Quibbling.

Many people find Gagh unappetizing and even nauseating. I think it is because they can’t compartmentalize the experience, and allow themselves to enjoy the subtle nuanced flavouring of the exquisitely flavoured blood. It could be that they are also not eating it right, swallowing the Gagh without crushing between their teeth first.

Allegedly, even Klingons find the taste of Gagh revolting, but eat it solely for the unique sensation of their death-throe spasms within one's mouth, throat and stomach. I disagree with that theory, I think it is all about the carefully seasoned blood, and the enzyme processing during its death throes.

Environmental regulation forbids spacing of Gagh. Proper disposal for Gagh is commonly to have them eaten by Klingon Sea PochtoQs. Klingon Sea PochtoQs are commonly kept nearby to dispose of leftover or spoiled Gagh. Sea pochtoQ are a kind of Klingon marine animal creature from the planet Qo'noS which subsists on a diet of ghargh.

There are 51 varieties of Gagh/Ghagh/Qagh, I have only tried a dozen or so. Gourmand Tip, if the restaurant doesn’t know what kind of Gagh it is, or what blood it was fed on, eat somewhere else. They might be Kazon masquerading as Klingons

Bithool Qagh still have feet which wriggle, Filden Qagh squirms down the throat, while Torgud Qagh wiggles down the throat.

Meshta Qagh sometimes jumps from the serving bowl and makes a break for freedom. I can respect that.

My personal favorite is an artisanal Wistan Qagh packed in pedigreed targ’s blood, I can see why it is considered a delicacy.

Some people prefer Racht, the other popular Klingon live worm dish which consists of larger live worms than traditional Gagh. Racht is properly spelled "raHta" and pronounced as "Racht".

Racht is popularly enjoyed with Grapok sauce. While Racht is most often served live it can also be candied. Candied Racht with Grapok Sauce, the kids love it.

Gagh or Racht are to be killed by crushing them between your teeth, with the seasoned blood being consumed. The Ghagh and Racht itself tastes pretty nasty, the blood is the part where all the flavor and nutrition is.

Whilst Gagh or Racht is intended to be eaten live, it should not be swallowed live. Swallowing live Gagh results in risking the worm surviving and moving into the intestines as a parasite.

When you eat them, just have to remember to kill them first with your teeth instead of hoping your stomach and intestines do all the work. All good Klingon mothers tell their children to chew each bite of Ghagh at least 5 times now or it will chew you later.

Qagh subsist on blood, and are shipped live in blood.

Just prior to being served, the worms are poured into a bowl of thick sauce which contains an extremely flavorful herb which the worms find very delicious, and devour, even though it is toxic to them, and will kills them within a few minutes. Gagh is considered best consumed live, therefore it is customary to eat it as quickly as possible. If the worms cannot be eaten before they all die, then the entire mixture is saved and heated up later as a sort of stew.

When the Ghargh that are intended to be served as Ghagh are fed only a mixture of diluted blood, which they find very unappetizing and therefore only consume when they are nearly starving.

The type of animal from which the blood has been taken greatly influences the eventual flavor, Targ’s Blood is the perennial favourite.

Just prior to being served, the worms are poured into a bowl of thick sauce which contains extremely flavorful herbs which the worms find very delicious, and devour, even though it is toxic to them.

The idea is to eat the Ghagh before it actually dies, the enzymes from the death throes combined with the sauces makes for exquisite flavorings.

The Gagh or Racht are dying while on the serving bowls, you put them out of their misery.

A good chef knows how to make them not just dying but very active in their death throes, when they are the most flavorful. If not eaten soon thereafter, they die on their own, they are fed to Sea PochtoQ.

One needed to make sure that the Gagh or the Racht is fresh, there's nothing worse than half-dead Racht.

It is almost equally important to make sure that the Ghagh were starved long enough by the diet of diluted blood and that they had enough time for the fatal herbs to put them into their death throes. Gagh or Racht which is 'too early' is disappointing at best.

Ghagh is all about timing, not too early, not too late.

Ghagh is best eaten live with all the juices flowing at their peak. All the wonderful endorphins as they fight, their enzyme production system ramped up into maximum overdrive, the wonderful neuropeptides emitted during their death throes.

I personally experimented with a purchase of a couple dozen kilograms of live Gharghmey, but I did not know properly how to feed them, how to starve them properly so they eat the herb sauce, or how to prepare and season the herb sauce that was toxic to the Ghagh.

Ghagh Taco Tuesday never really caught on, for the time being I will have to continue to order takeout.