The Reptiloid Menace

The Reptiloid Menace

The Director from off-camera, "Speak about Reptiloids, or you don’t get paid."

Farnsworthy, "Oh, my, yes."

The Director from off camera, "You don’t get paid and no pie. Reptiloids, People, Reptiloids. Focus."

Farnsworthy, "Oh, my, yes, Reptiloids for the win, Alex. As 12 million Fnordians 'know', most governments are run by nefarious shapeshifting human skinsuit wearing alien Reptiloid overlords, but most people are unsure which members of the government are the Reptiloids."

Baseline Bob looking pieless, sad, and confused, "Do they like pie?"

Farnsworthy, "They might and often do eat pie, to fit in amongst the dullard humani, but I don’t know if they like it."

Baseline Bob looks aghast, "Who doesn’t like pie?"

Farnsworthy, "Strange eccentric people who don’t like their fruit cooked, and of course nefarious Reptiloids. Pay attention, lad."

Baseline Bob’s face still stuck on looking aghast about someone not liking pie, "What do they like to eat?"

Farnsworthy, "Research indicates they like to feed on kittens and the glands of baby hyoomons. When Reptiloids have recently fed on human flesh and blood, they exude a strong musky odour that you can sometimes smell when you are in a crowded area; it is similar to human body odour but stronger and muskier. Stronger and musky like that cad who was flirting with my date last week at the tavern."

Baseline Bob tries to unstuck his face because of something his mother told him about it maybe sticking that way, "Why do they eat pie if they don’t like it."

Farnsworthy, "Because then it would be obvious that they are nefarious kitten-eating REPTILOIDS! They try to fit in. The non-shapeshifting ones wear human skinsuits to blend it so they can complete their re-enslavement of humanity schemes."

Baseline Bob’s face finally stuck from aghast to dropping jaw, "Fit in? Are they good disguises?"

Farnsworthy nods knowingly, but forgets in what direction Baseline Bob is, "Not too bad, but mostly because people are very stupid and don’t recognize the signs of nefarious Reptiloids."

Baseline Bob eyes widen in a rare instance of actual interest in the topic, "Tell us, please. I would like to recognize these disguised nefarious Reptiloids looking to re-enslave humanity and would deprive us of pie."

Farnsworthy, "Most are pretty good about hiding their aversion to pie and their fondness of eating kittens and feasting on human flesh. Their intense musky B.O. is not enough to recognize them. Reptiloids sometimes use a distinctive cologne wear to mask their feeding odour and as a calling card for each other, which makes many people want to avoid them, get away, and some even gag. It’s a very popular note in many popular fragrances marketed to humani. It is some type of human repellent used as a countermeasure against humans that might recognize their distinctive odour."

Baseline Bob looks saddened, "Many people have B.O. and use perfume to cover it. Are we doomed?"

Farnsworthy, "Oh, my, yes, doomed. But good news, Everybody! Reptiloids have keen eyesight and piercing eyes, predominantly green or hazel eyes that change colour, but sometimes blue eyes that change to grey or slate depending on lighting conditions."

Farnsworthy, "Reptiloids tend to be highly sensitive to bright light & strobe, and are prone to migraines. I flash a high intensity strobe in their eyes and they yell at me, it is a positive indicator."

Farnsworthy, "I experimented on my landlady’s son in law, I am pretty sure the angry sot is a Reptiloid. He retaliated the way Reptiloids sometimes do by employing electronic gang-stalking harassment equipment where there are humans who have found out too much about them, it usually induces sleep deprivation enough to deprive the humani of their needed REM state and for their body to repair its DNA. When I wake up from my fitful sleep or nap, the Reptiloid zaps me with a directed energy microwaves weapon which prevents me from remembering what I dreamed or experienced while asleep, and erases my short-term memory."

Baseline Bob, "Then how do you know?"

Farnsworthy, "Because he is a Reptiloid and it is what they do. I am a scientist, it says so on my blog."

Farnsworthy, "While the Reptiloid is shapeshifting, and under some lighting conditions such as playing video games in the dark, or trying the bloody mary test, or in videos or pictures, their reptile-esque eyes are sometimes momentarily revealed. Change of colour, or vertical slits, or deep black with no sclera."

Farnsworthy, "Reptiloids often have keen hearing, hearing things others do not hear. Irritated by certain high pitched sounds and loud sharp sounds. I found an alarm whistle or air horn is a good way to test for Reptiloids. It was the second indicator for my Landlady’s son-in-law. He got a restraining order, now I have to move out of my apartment."

Baseline Bob, "Sad you have to move."

Farnsworthy, "Sad, pfooie, it was a victory over the nefarious Reptiloids, it is proof that I am onto them."

Farnsworthy speaks intently, "And red hair. Many Reptiloids have red or reddish hair, or auburn, or reddish highlights in their hair. Like that red haired tart that broke up with me, calling me a stalker. Called the police for sleeping on her trash bins. Where else was I supposed to sleep? I was kicked out of my apartment. It is irrational talk like that is how you can tell. And the red hair. Vixen!"

Baseline Bob, "Pie, kitten eating, human flesh, strobes, whistles, red hair, tendency towards restraining orders in response to stalking. Good."

"There’s more, my dear boy, there’s more," Farnsworthy says as his double espresso kicks in, "One way to spot Reptiloids is jogging. Jogging is an exercise fad created by the Reptiloids. It is remarkably bad for you, hard on your knees and hips. Reptiloids use jogging to be able to monitor neighbourhoods. They wear headsets and pretend to listen to music but are actually communicating their recon missions. When I was forced to sleep in the park, I noticed a lot of nefarious Reptiloids staring at me with their contemptuous piercing stares as if they are better than me because they presumably have a place to live and because of their jogging. Many Reptiloid hybrids have low blood pressure, and low resting pulse rate, and low cholesterol count. They say it’s the jogging, but I know better. Fiends."

"Reptiloids wear a lot of makeup and use product in their hair, like that red haired vixen that got a restraining order on me. I paid good money for a full half-hour, but then she wouldn’t take my calls afterwards, saying I was too creepy, and sweaty, and smelled badly. These are the kinds of things Reptiloids say."

"Reptiloids are often left-handed, often they have cold hands, and cold feet. They propagated the myth of 'cold hands, warm heart' to cover for this. They sometimes make up other excuses like, 'You just don’t make me hot' or 'I am just not that much into you' and "I will call the cops if you don’t get off my trash bins."

Reptiloids wear a lot of makeup to hide the scalelike growths on their skin. Reptiloids sometimes have unexplained scars on body, often from shaving off the scale-like growths from their bodies. They try to say it was from when they had their appendix removed or from the angiogram, but I am not easily fooled. Reptiloids don’t have appendixes."

Baseline Bob, "Scaly skin."

Farnsworthy now in full rant mode, "Sometimes if you are lucky enough to catch the Reptiloid while shapeshifting, like in video and pictures or playing video games in the dark, you may see their skin change a little. Maybe you see a hint of green all of a sudden, or you notice that the texture becomes scaly or rough. This is why they insist on having the lights on during movies and video games, but not during sex. I used to think, 'what is that about?’ but now I know it’s all Reptiloid strategies."

Farnsworthy takes out a celebrity tabloid, which appears creased and crushed as if someone used it as a blanket to sleep with, "Look here. See how most "scales" near various celebrity's forehead are usually dismissed as merely a poorly-attached wig, or poorly done plastic surgery or flaky dryness from lack of proper moisturizer, or an allergic reaction to makeup, or subpar grade photography and bad lighting. They can’t fool the trained eyes. Many Reptiloids exhibit dry skin, eczema, and even dandruff, too. Scales."

Sometimes when ill, the Reptiloids have to use holograms to hide their reptilian skin. Under certain lighting conditions, this is occasionally revealed. This is usually attributed to grainy video or just a play of lighting conditions. When using their holograms, Reptiloids occasionally disrupts electrical appliances. Sometimes just when I am trying to shoplift a few comforts, they deliberately activate the store security systems.

Reptiloids have an obsession with space, science, UFOs, alien connections, psychic abilities, ESP, and other esoteric and otherworldly things.

Baseline Bob, "Like you."

"Except that I am not a Reptiloid. Try to pay attention. One of the hallmarks of Reptiloids is that they have very little or no self awareness."

Baseline Bob, "Like you."

"Stop that, I am trying to help inform your audience of the dangers of Reptiloids."

"There's little you can do to appeal to any kind of human consciousness in Reptiloids. Reptiloids were bred to re-enslave humanity and do not want to deviate from their core conditioning."

"Reptiloids tend to have difficulty displaying genuine human emotions, or at least doing so spontaneously. Reptiloids do not naturally display remorse, and virtually empty and devoid of the need for human touch. They blame that on not finding me sexy also, but it is not that."

"Reptiloids try to fake a higher level of awareness in an attempt to blend in, but it is rarely natural to them. Reptiloids are often afraid to admit that they feel no empathy for certain people, or that they don't care about the environment, but they pretend that they do anyway to throw you off their track."

"Reptiloids generally attempt to appear like humans and act as if they have human traits like empathy and self-awareness, but things might still appear . . . not quite right. People sometimes struggle to express it, they might sense something artificial about them, or something like they have 'no light in their eyes'. It is not the usual excuses about a childhood of abuse, or the soul crushing lifestyle of being a street walking prostitute working for smokes and meth, but it is about being Reptiloids."

"Reptiloid get frustrated when you ask them if they are Reptiloids."

Baseline Bob, "Like you did."

"Stop that, I am trying to help inform your audience of the dangers of Reptiloids."

"The most common way to spot a Reptiloid is simply one's intuition. Or the highly trained intuition of a scientist, like me, says so in my blog. If you feel like the person has a Reptiloid presence, then they could very likely be a Reptiloid. Reptiloids who become adept at not behaving "soullessly" are usually groomed by their fellow Reptiloids to be part of the power elite in business, politics and entertainment conditioning to deceive people."

"It could be anyone, like that fellow over there, obsessively phoning into his hotel to make special requests."

"Or that guy at the bar that insists that I drank his martini. I am sure it was mine, I just don’t recall ordering it. But that is common enough, neither does the bartender, hah.

Then this other one. I was walking down the street and found a hat full of money. The next thing I knew, a reptiloid disguised as a hippie with a guitar is chasing me down the street, yelling at me. Oh, the smell of B.O. and patchouli oil."

Baseline Bob points, "Or that giant tentacled creature standing behind us?"

"Oh, my, no, that’s Zoidfarb. Focus, lad, focus, Zoidfarb is a mollusc. Or some other kind of maybe an arthropoid maybe. But focus. We’re here to cut open nefarious Reptiloids. Zoidfarb is here to perform a necropsy on a Reptiloid we purchased thru the Rigel Trade Authority."

Zoidfarb, "I am swelling with the mucus of pride. I took the liberty of fertilizing the caviar."

Zoidfarb, "My unsuspecting but delicious new friend, just because you have a bad feeling about someone, this doesn't mean they are a Reptiloid hybrid who is bent on taking over the world but they could be. You might need to adjust your meds, or seek therapy. But why take any chances?"

Farnsworthy, "Your doctor might be Reptiloid too, not a trusted Mollusc, so you can’t tell him. He will probably prescribe you some nice meds so that the paranoid or depression symptoms or persistent hallucinations or voices that lead you to detect Reptiloids goes away. Yes, I would be in compliance with court ordered release conditions, but then I won’t know. Life is full of challenges."

Zoidfarb, "What do you do if you're absolutely convinced that your local politician or your best friend is a Reptiloid? Nothing, of course. Not all Reptiloids have bad intentions, so don't jump to conclusions about "good" and "evil." just yet. Some Reptiloids are part human and can thus become self-aware.

Zoidfarb, "If you get the creepy Reptiloid vibe from someone or from yourself, then obviously steer clear of them and consult a qualified physician. Reptiloid or not, there's no reason to be around someone who gives you the heebie-jeebies. The most common solution is to barricade yourself in your home, refusing all contact with the living world, watch a lot of television, research about conspiracy theories. Or move into a dumpster like my good friend here. Ah, there’s nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning! You go along with it until a group of mystery enthusiasts foil their fiendish plot with their stoner friends and talking dog. It might be just the crazy neighbour in a disguise using some light tricks, but why take chances? This plays into the Reptiloid’s enslave humanity plot, but at least you won’t be the first to go."

Baseline Bob, "Scooby and his friends are on the same network as us."

Zoidfarb, "Don’t depend on them, they won’t be in time to help you. Flee, hide, cower, pray ‘em if ya got 'em. Live in fear, it has kept humanity alive for millions of years for all I know."

Farnsworthy, "Come, come, Zoidfarb, time to move to the medical bay for the necropsy of the nefarious Reptiloid."

“Hooray, I’m useful!”

Farnsworthy, "Come along, Baseline Bob, I enjoy watching people’s gorge rise in their mouth when we first cut open the body."

Baseline Bob, "I have to wait for my handler, he is still talking with the hotel about the special requests."

Farnsworthy, "Nonsense, he can catch up. We’re on a schedule, Baseline Bob."

"Okay," Baseline Bob says hesitantly as he followed Farnsworthy and Zoidfarb out of the nacho-bar. "Nic, I will be with the giant mollusc and the creepy homeless guy who wears goggles in medical bay. The Nutrimatic is broken, I need my pie. This might be all a hallucination."

<MEANWHILE>

"I want you to fill the adjoining room with photos of Jeff Goldblum, make sure they are pictures that looks like he is asking strange questions."

"And I want a framed picture of me from the movie Con Air in the bathroom with a stuffed plushy bunny toy."

"I would appreciate a towel folded into the shape of an elephant."

"We would enjoy a picture of some sexy looking fruit on the night table."

"Please find out what airports can handle my girlfriend’s pet Siberian tiger as live cargo. Please call around and find out who the local camel distributers are."

"A bathtub full of wild goat’s milk from Wales please, and about 30 bottles of heated Evian water to clean it off me afterwards."

"Two kilograms of Kobe beef for my dog, and 20 kilograms of ice for my penguin guests in the bathtub, needs to be replenished every few hours. Find out if penguins eat kippers."

"A collection of plastic baby stegosauruses, from before they were discovered to not actually exist, thanks. And put them inside a fortress made of pillows and if you could, please have the staff draw a picture of what they think I would look like from their imagination and place on my bed I would appreciate it."

"Please provide a picture of a dog dressed as a boat captain and place it on my bed, thank you. Preferably a small Dachshund in a captain's outfit and sunglasses, but any recognized breed is acceptable if you can’t find the Dachshund."

"Pictures of Fresh Prince actor Alfonso Ribeiro and Baywatch actor Jeremy Jackson, placed on the bed opposite each other like they're looking at each other. And in the afternoon, I want them switched around like they are looking away from each other."

"Oh, and this picture of Grandma Winslow from the US sitcom Family Matters, it was supposed to be on the nightstand, not the bed. Where is the staffs’ sense of common decency?"

"I need three single red M&Ms on the counter and a 'picture of bacon set on the bed'. Six blue M&Ms on the opposite table."

"A framed picture of Sterling Archer, with a note saying 'Welcome to the Danger Zone' to be put on the passenger’s side of the bed, and extra bath towels."

"A framed picture of actor Christopher Walken from a cowboy movie hung next to the television."

"I would like the beds in the rooms to be made up facing backwards, with the pillows at the feet."

"When I got up this morning, there was a naked (except for a leather jacket) guy eating a Fudgesicle at the foot of my bed, I didn’t order that. I want him and the Fudgesicle removed from my room and the bill."

"That mime in the lobby does not work for me or the studio, he is just a stalker following me around. Have him arrested and held in a windy impenetrable see thru box."

"I need my dinosaur skull taken from the hotel safe and put on main display in my room with baskets of the sexiest looking fruit you can find. Put it next to the full scale replica of my New Orleans cemetery pyramid grave made out of marzipan."

"I need a mini-fridge with a combination lock. My cat Lewis keeps getting into the mini-fridge and eating my psychoactive mushrooms."

"While I agree that the honey does make the fruit appear sexier, I need the honey out the room, it attracts bees. NO BEES!"

Nic Cage looks around, "What’d you say, Bob? Bob?"

Nic Cage thinks, "That’s right, time for his pie. And The Nutrimatic is broken."

<In the Medical Bay>

Farnsworthy, "As I was saying, Baseline Bob, ….can I call you Bob?"

Baseline Bob, "No, it’s in the contract, something about branding. You have to call me Baseline Bob, or you don’t get paid and no pie. The pie is very good. I think they put my meds in my pie."

Farnsworthy, "As I was saying, Baseline Bob, in texts around the world there are recurring stories about Garden of Eden situations involve reptilian entities. Chinese Emperors claimed the right to rule because they are descended from the serpent god called a dragon. Even the European dragon myth draws on the reptilian connection to justify their right to rule."

Zoidfarb, "Even such innocent tales such as kissing talking frogs which turn into princes were written by humans who were taken into the Reptiloid breeding programs altering their DNA in their plot to re-enslave humanity. Why do frogs get all the girls, but not Zoidfarb?"

Zoidfarb, "Ancient texts across the world, including the Abrahamic Bible had accounts of reptiles interbreeding with humans to form these 'hybrid bloodlines'. Even promoting snakes and reptiles as the new sexy. The early hybrids were regarded as demi gods - part human, part god. But not Zoidfarb, people run away from me in terror sometimes I tell you. Not you, Baseline Bob."

Baseline Bob, "I am pretty sure I am hallucinating all of this. I am way over due for my meds and my pie. I think my blood sugar is dropping."

Zoidfarb, "These hybrid blood lines were the ones that became the royal families of the worlds. In order to maintain control, hybrids had to spread their bloodlines into top political and business families across the world, pulling the strings of world, seemingly democratic governments, from behind the scenes."

Farnsworthy, "The whole obsession of interbreeding among royals and aristocracies in the past, and big business, big banking and political families in the present, and now with hyper-popular celebrities, is to hold the genetic structure together because it would quickly be diluted if they bred outside it. Sure, they can interbreed, but I get in trouble smiling at my cousin at a wedding."

Zoidfarb, "Thank you, Bendo, for bringing in the Reptiloid."

Buster Flexo, "Buster Flexo, not Bendo."

Zoidfarb, "Of course, Buster Flexo, my copyright and registered trademark evading colleague."

Buster Flexo, "Say it all together now, Zoid."

Zoidfarb, "Thank you, Buster Flexo, for bringing in the Reptiloid."

Buster Flexo, "Twern’t nothing any other incredibly talented robot couldn’t have done, but didn’t because they’re lame and I am made out of awesome."

Zoidfarb, "Bob…."

Baseline Bob cuts him off, "Baseline Bob, it’s in the contract."

Zoidfarb, "Baseline Bob, behold the nefarious Reptiloid."

Baseline Bob, "He doesn’t look Reptiloid, he looks human."

Farnsworthy, "An ingenious disguise, my possibly hallucinating friend, an ingenious disguise."

Zoidfarb, "Baseline Bob, the real test is by cutting him open and examining his insides. There are scanners that can do that, but they can be fooled by their fancy doo-dads. So we cut."

As Zoidfarb begins to make a y-shaped incision, a stream of blood squirts out.

Baseline Bob, "Corpses don’t bleed, it’s still alive."

Trying to calm down Baseline Bob, "Calm yourself, Baseline Bob, it is just a minor mistake. It means this is a vivisection instead of a necropsy."

Baseline Bob begins to look faint.

Zoidfarb, "Let’s cut open the skull and look at the brain. A great part of human behaviour originates deep within the brain. The brain keeps all of the structures from which it was developed. The most ancient and primitive is the so-called “reptilian brain” which controls the most fundamental animal instincts of survival and reproduction. Fear, rage, hunger and desire."

Zoidfarb, "Overlaying the reptilian brain is the limbic, in charge of emotions. The outermost layer is the neocortex, capable of higher thought and operates in various forms of reasoning."

Zoidfarb, "The survival is binary fight or flight reflex. It doesn’t use reason to learn from its mistakes, nor use emotions to curb its reactions. It merely acts. When the reptile is activated, it has priority over the limbic and neocortex, the emotional and reasoning are excluded. To give into the reptile is to give up adapting and developing. "

Farnsworthy, "Many cultures are an expression of this over-reaction of the reptile. Hierarchical, authoritarian, ritualistic, inflexible. Unfeeling, aggressive, territorial, controlling, obsessive, paranoid. Many societies composed of people who are not much more than expressions of their base instincts."

"Leadership designed intentions to overstimulate the Reptilian to keep the masses in a collective state of fear, lethargy, apathy and ignorance. Living under the tyranny of his instincts, Humani places itself under the tyranny of those who would re-enslave it."

"Millions of years ago, the Tiamat put their mark on Tellurian DNA. Tiamat’s reptilian remnants in the Tellurian genetic code and brain structures were put there to make them a manageable slave species. The legacy of Tiamat makes Tellurians susceptible to being unfeeling and inflexible, territorial and aggressive, hierarchical and controlling, authoritarian and obsessive, ritualistic, and paranoid. It's the best way to find the reptile. 'The reptile always wins' is the credo given to marketing and propagandists alike."

"Over three hundred thousand years ago, Trantorian scientists first attempted to splice some of their own genetic sequence onto the indigenous Tellurian hominids. Six other attempts over the following 230,000 years was hoped to be enough to allow Tellurians to be able to individually overcome the reptile, but it was not enough to wipe out the base reptile within them. The brain keeps all of the structures from which it was developed, the reptilian remnants of Tiamat cannot be excised from the Tellurians. Tellurians cannot be cured of the reptile, they have to overcome it each individually. Most never do, many are fans of your show, Baseline Bob."

"My fans like pie."

"It was a risky and bold experiment and seemingly doomed to failure; the human species nearly went extinct twice, 70,000 and 13,000 years ago."

Zoidfarb, "Farnsworthy, I found the Inphia. This is the right one this time. Prepare the infusion, while I hook it up."

Farnsworthy, "Buster Flexo, it’s time."

Buster Flexo, "With you on that one, Farnsworthy."

In an unconvincingly surprised voice, Buster Flexo as if reading from a cue card, "Oh, no. The gravity has gone out. I will alert the station and have them clear this level of the station."

Farnsworthy, "Baseline Bob, you come with me, we will find your handler and see what we can do about the gravity. In the meantime, Zoidfarb here will finish up with our Rakshasan friend."

Baseline Bob, "Reptiloid."

Farnsworthy, "Like I said, Reptiloid, now let’s hurry along."

Farnsworthy, "Buster, you will have to get the directed energy microwave weapon which prevents people from remembering what they dreamed or experienced while asleep, and erases short-term memory."

Buster Flexo, "It's in the box next to the gravity console."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Kids, don't worry about Baseline Bob. Baseline Bob has his short-term memory wiped all the time, just not usually on purpose.

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: HEY KIDS! Don’t forget our sponsor, New Nerva Station, the premium family entertainment location known as Laser Tag Moon, and one of the sponsors of this show. This episode’s word of the day is REPTILOIDS! Mention the word of the day, REPTILOIDS, at the ticket counter and get a coupon for half-off at the nacho bar.

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Next Up, the New Scooby Doo will not save you.