To Serve Man, Garudas Edition

 To Serve Man, Garudas Edition

Whether Humani are actually sentient or even truly conscious, is still a matter of debate in academic circles, and surprisingly even in some Humani academic journals. It is questioned by many (including some Humani scholars) whether eating a sentient being is immoral or at the very least in poor taste (no pun intended). Regardless as to whether Humani are sentient or conscious or not, Garudas lawmakers has ruled on the side of caution that Humani should not be killed for food purposes, not that you would want to because of their foul taste and the excessive processing required. While there is only minimal debate whether killing a Humani for food purposes might be immoral or 'wrong', there is much more discussion and debate whether there is an inherent moral imperative not to eat one that just happens to be dead. That being said, most Humani that die from natural causes are even less palatable.

Many Humani have great concerns about the desecration of their corpses, possibly related to ingrained afterlife issues. It may be a vestigial reaction to the ingrained ancestral memory from when they were primarily still a prey species and wish to not be reminded of that vulnerability. Humani self esteem issues appears to require them to consider themselves at the apex of the food chain, despite substantial evidence to the contrary. In a more practical sense, Humani might also wish to deter being killed for food purposes.

Humani are not especially palatable, there is little risk of them being killed for food. Beyond the minimal nutritional value and lack of palatability, Humani are extremely high maintenance and very inefficient converters of feed to edible meat, so there is little chance they would ever be raised for food.

Regardless of the moral, ethical, existential and other philosophical and theological debates, consuming Humani flesh is illegal in most polities, particularly Humani polities. None of the reputable culinary colleges recommend the consumption of Humani flesh. The overall consensus is that other than for novelty value, eating a Humani is more trouble than it’s worth.

There is one form of human meat that's considered acceptable to eat. Many Humani find it fashionable to eat the placenta and umbilical cord of their newborn spawn-child after childbirth, a practice known as "placentophagy". After the umbilical cord and membrane is removed, it is then prepared in a similar fashion to liver, which is roughly what it tastes like. Typically the umbilical cord and membrane is either chopped up and pan fried, or minced to make a rich Bolognese. Both of which are very lovely, but like the liver, the placenta isn't representative of the general taste of human flesh. For those wishing to sample eating Humani flesh, it is a good starting place and has the virtue of not being illegal or considered immoral, assuming consent was given to acquire the sample.

Humani flesh tastes like a stronger more bitter pork, and no amount of preparation seems to every remove that aftertaste, or results in an overly grisly tasteless grey meat not fit for prison rations much less a fashionable dinner party. Humani flesh is at best an acquired taste. Even with proper preparation and ideal subjects chosen, at best Humani flesh is gamier than uncastrated wild Billy-goat or wild boar, and otherwise has no sharply defined or highly characteristic taste that one would expect from wild Billy-goat or wild boar. The other common comparison is with eating glue factory grade adult horsemeat, which is also prone to extreme perspiration sweating like Humani, although they lack the heavy ammonia aftertaste of Humani. The texture of Humani flesh meat is a bit tough and gristly, but overall depending on the condition of the subject, tends to be darker hued than most domesticated livestock meats but less than typical live mammal game meats.

The average adult Humani male is about 40% muscle meat, expect a maximum of only 32 kilograms of edible meat from the average adult male Humani, but not all of that is premium grade.

The average adult Humani male contains maybe only 10 kilograms of premium meat suitable for a formal social occasions, which varies depending on health and age. One adult male Humani has barely enough premium cut meat for a decent formal party.

The average adult Humani male contains maybe 15 kilograms for informal and casual consumption, often used in stews, or ground down for minced meat recipes or sausage. Meat from well exercised areas of the human tends to be tough and typically needs longer cooking time or marinating. The secondary cuts that better will suit a stew are upper arms, upper legs, neck and shoulders; the remaining cuts should be used for only minced meat or sausage recipes.

The average adult Humani male contains maybe 7 kilograms of lower grade (Tier 3) meat which is usually reserved for pet foods or prison rations.

Humani possess substantial amounts of extramuscular fat, which varies greatly from specimen to specimen, is not usually consumed. On average about 16 kilograms of inedible extramuscular fat is found on the average adult Humani male. Even though this inedible extramuscular fat could be rendered down for a kind of tallow or lard, Humani store all manner of cortisol, noradrenalin, adrenaline, other fouling hormones and lymphatic secretions, plus innumerable pathogens and toxins in their fatty tissues, making it extremely unpalatable even to grease a griddle. Humani inedible extramuscular fat is still useful to be rendered down and denatured then transestrified to produce fatty acid mono-alky esters which works in most diesel type engines. The average adult Humani male possesses enough inedible extramuscular fat to produce the equivalent of 24 litres of diesel fuel.

An additional 20% of the Humani is completely inedible, even by Garudas. That is not to say that Garudas can’t consume the skin, bones and the other ligaments and cartilage, there is just minimal nutrition content to be obtained from it, or more calories and nutrients are consumed in the process. Bone marrow is quite digestible and quite rich in nutrients, minerals and vitamins. Consuming the bones whole just to get the cartilage is very inefficient, you will burn more calories processing the bones than you will obtain from the marrow. Don’t be lazy, crack the bones manually and scrape out the marrow, it can be a pleasant family activity.

About 5 kilograms of Humani skin is equally inedible and does not make for very durable or especially decorative leathergoods, although there are unverified claims that they make very tight skin drums. If properly skinned, the collagen on the inner surface of the Humani skin can be scraped out to make quite nutritious and very popular dessert treats. The collagen can be collected from various other connective tissues. Once the bones are cracked and the marrow extracted, the bones can be rendered down to collect the collagen. The actual process of curing and processing (including filtration, clarification, evaporation, sterilization, drying, rutting, grinding, and sifting) takes several weeks; many rural folk still consume it raw thinking it has more nutritional value that way; however there are no peer reviewed studies to confirm this. Most however merely render the collagen down as a stock for myriad uses around the kitchen.

Humani possess about 40 kilograms of water and lymphatic fluids, which is usually lost during slaughtering and meat packing. Humani lymphatic fluids are especially foul smelling and even fouler tasting, so foul that there are ordnances mandating how they are to be disposed of.

Eyes are one of the few parts of human that can be eaten without needing substantial marinating. Mostly water, but still quite a refreshing treat. Frequently eaten raw, they are usually reserved for guests of honour, or traditionally consumed in pairs by a couple who are newly wedded or to celebrate a birthday, anniversary or a birth in the family. For some reason, it is not considered fashionable for graduations or to celebrate promotions or new employment.

5.5 kilograms of blood are consumable, and has a variety of uses. Many drink the blood raw, but has many uses around a well stocked and well equipped kitchen with an imaginative chef.

2.5 kilograms of bone marrow, quite consumable, and worth the not insubstantial effort of cracking open the bones. Full of vitamins, essential minerals and other nutrients. Bone Marrow is very versatile in a well stocked kitchen with a creative-minded chef. Older specimens have substantially more yellow marrow than red marrow, which is of much lower quality; it is best to filter, the results are worth it.

Very little Humani organ meat is edible even for traditional offal recipes, especially the Humani digestive system is filled with substantial amounts of toxins and bacteria, undigested and partially digested foodstuffs, and often compacted fecal matter in the large intestine (colon). Most Human offal are not fit for even prison rations, and discerning pet owners won’t feed it to their beloved pets.

There are however some popular cuts of Humani organ meat:

Humani have a single heart, a modest 300-350 grams. One of the more edible parts of the human, one of the few that does not require substantial marinating. Direct from meat packing onto the grill. Many rituals call for eating it raw.

The Humani brain is about 1.2-1.4 kilograms, there are surprisingly many specialized recipes for it. Like 'sweetbreads', brains should be cooked twice. Usually poaching them first, this helps them to hold their shape, and can remove hints of gamey-ness, then frying, baking, deep frying, etc. Because of the folding and inefficient lamellar architecture and cooling requirements, Humani brains are especially light and delicate; so much so that a supporting vessel is needed to eat them such as on toasted bread, folded into an omelets, stuffed in a ravioli, or as a layer in a lasagna. It will not do to just cook some brains and just put them on a plate. Brains are very delicate and requires some practiced skill and finesse. Boiling brains usually disappoints, although some people have been known to dissolve them as part of a stew broth.

Pancreas 100 grams, a popular pan-fried treat.

Spleen 150-200 grams, another popular pan-fried treat.

Kidneys 150 grams each. Kidney necrosis is frequent among Humani, quality greatly varies. Kidney necrosis among Humani who died of natural causes is very common. Don’t order it at the restaurant or from your local butcher unless you know it is very reputable or at least has a good return policy. Always inspect before you buy.

Liver 1.4-2.0 kilograms, edibility quality varies greatly depending on the specimen, some specimens being wholly inedible. Many connoisseurs argue over what is the best wine to accompany it. Stuffed with fava beans and a nice Chianti is a popular fashionable choice. The liver is a good source for vitamin-A, which is why it is typically the first cut of choice for those suffering from malnutrition.

Lungs 1 kilogram. Edible, considered a delicacy by some, but frankly an acquired taste and quality varies greatly depending on the subject’s personal habits and environment.

Small Intestines 2 kilograms. Given the Humani pathogen content, I cannot in good conscience recommend consuming the intestines. Property cleaned, they can be used to make sausage casings. Sausage casings is strongly recommended by the "Use the whole Humani" types, but personally I strongly recommend against using the colon, rectum and bladder. It may seem like a cop out, but just buy the synthetic sausage casings.

The Humani cooling system for their inefficiently designed ad hoc brains requires large amounts of uric acid and urea, which effectively taints the meat, gives it that distinctive ammonia aftertaste. Even sharks don’t want to consume Humani, unless they are starving or are angered.

Marinating with various kinds of vinegars, wine, liquors, citric juices etc, all require a lot of time. Various other forms of curing, smoking and aging are needed to make the meat palatable, all quite laborious and time consuming.

Brine-curing is time consuming but simple to do, immerse the meat in a barrel with substantial amounts of salt, some sugar, and some spices as preference. A scum will form on the top which will have to be skimmed away at least twice a day for the first week, and the water and other admixture changed at least ever 2-3 days. Other curatives such as vinegars, wine or liquors are considered, but usually not until the later stages. Many Humani have immense fatty stomach muscles and related tissues, and brine curing them is quite popular. For many, this is the only way they will consider consuming Humani.

While consuming Humani meat and offal without proper processing won’t unduly overstress Garudas livers or digestive system as a whole, it will not be a pleasant experience; substantial bile related bloating is frequently reported. In my opinion, there is not much point in consuming Humani if you are just going to purge afterwards.