Do Humani Make Good Pets?

Do Humani Make Good Pets?

By Kumari-Emeritus Mirra Zanzibar

The dependence on agriculture, their small rounded jaw, adults digesting milk, population crashes, paedomorphosis resembling as adult more like the infant childlike, the tendency towards childlike play activities even as adults, baby talk during fornication, and many other signs strongly suggests that humani are a domesticated species.

I frequently get asked if humani make good pets. As much as I have enjoyed (or at least found it interesting), I cannot recommend humani as pets. My mother chastised me for taking on the role as Procurator of Araxes, “You are not yet prepared to attempt having a humani as a pet, much less millions of them."

On the surface, humani are quaint and can even be considered cute.

Humani say 'ow', sometimes even when they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just something they say when they think they might have been hurt, or aren’t sure yet.

Sneezes are entirely involuntary. They look so befuddled afterwards, and sometimes frustrated or even frightened. They need comfort words like "Bless you" to help them to recover their wits afterwards.

Humani collect shiny things and decorate their bodies with them. The shinier the better, although some prefer bright colours and designs.

Humani are not aquatic or even amphibious, but love flocking to the seaside, lakes and other large bodies of water. They are not particularly adept swimmers and they can’t hold their breath very long, they just love to splash around.

When night falls and the sky gets dark, Humani become drowsy and cocoon themselves is soft, fluffy bedding until they lose consciousness. They make these adorable cooing sounds when unconscious, called snoring.

Humani are fond of spending time in each other’s nests. Just for fun. It’s not their nest, they just like to visit.

Some Humani use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful. They even attach shiny dangly bits to the cartalidgous membranes.

If a Humani hears a particularly catchy sound or tune, they will often mimic it, sometimes even to the point of their own annoyance.

Humani love treats. Some Humani will save treats specifically for a later day when they require emotional self-comforting. Be careful, Humani have very little self control and a strong tendency towards over indulgence.

Many humani are quite clever and can learn tricks like modern medicine, engineering, advanced mathematics and sciences, philosophy, the practice of law, music and art.

Humani are mostly conditioned thru conforming to social consensus and its way of thinking, although only enough so that they are semi-domesticatable.

Humani are really only semi-domesticated, which accounts for their capricious nature and frequent violent outbursts. Their level of semi-domestication has brought them a moderate increase in their lifespan, a moderate understanding of the world around them, a surface level of self awareness, and are in most cases relatively safe enough that they have somewhat stable population growth.

Humani suitability as pets depends on your expectations as a pet master. There are felines I know that have a very hands off free range attitude about keeping humani, and it seems to suit their temperament.

Humani require professional level upkeep. They are difficult to train, and require a lot of room compared to other pets. One of the few convenient things about humani, is that they parent human mostly housebreaks them before they leave the nest. Regardless, they invariably make messes everywhere they go.

There are those who in my humble opinion over condition their humani to assure that they are tame, but I think that is damaging to the humani and you are really missing out on the real humani experience. Their capricious behaviour makes them frequently unexpected and that is part of the excitement of having a pet.

If you are serious about getting a person, be prepared, most like toys, and are very destructive to themselves and others. Some will eat anything, and some are extremely finicky and will only eat a specialized diet.

Humani are moody and in general very difficult to train, they have a reputation of throwing tantrums when upset. They are stubborn and really struggle with simple concepts like 'no'. if you tell them to do something, they want to know why or refuse to do it unless you promise a reward; when you give a reward, they look at you and sneer; they have all sorts of psychological and emotional issues - you never know in what kind of mood they'll be in when you get home; they want to do too many exotic things like go dancing; socialize in a pub; watch TV; play computer games; dress up three times a day; go malling; go to church... the list is endless - you'll never have any free time to yourself because they are very needy.

Humani need a lot of accessories, so be sure you are economically prepared to provide for them. In my humble opinion, to do it right, the level of accessories rises to the level of infrastructure, including roads, bridges, starports, shops, law enforcement, parliament, judiciary, universities, and so forth. Most pet owners are just not ready for that level of commitment.

Besides frequent bouts of moodiness, humani are prone to depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive behaviour, sociopathy, psychopathy, and malignant narcissism, which manifests in destructive and self-destructive behaviour. While some of the worst symptoms can be managed with medications, these conditions appear to be chronic. Some cannot be managed, and although it can be heartbreaking, for the safety of others, they must be separated from the general population.

Alternatives to Humani as an exotic pet

There is a great deal of cruelty and abuse in the exotic animal trade, most exotic animals are poached out of season when families of animals just had their young, many exotic animals poached for pets end up euthanized, and several other animals (usually entire families) are slaughtered just to obtain the one infant.

There are many other tamable animals that can be happy or even happier in domesticity. Consider one of these other exotic pets that pose minimal threat to public safety, unlike humani which pose frequent threats to public safety. Always do your research before inquiring about pets.

Fennec Foxes

Keeping a small desert fox in a home environment may sound as though this small mammal may be a fish out of water. However, fennec foxes are actually one of the most popular exotic mammals. This is because they thrive with the proper owner, being one of the easier exotic animals to manage.

Unlike other foxes, these animals make good house pets. Many use a litter box with varying levels of consistency, and the droppings are dry since this desert dweller conserves water efficiently.

Fennec fox care may be comparable to that of a high-maintenance ferret. A reasonable enclosure for this small mammal should be, at minimum, a multi-level ferret enclosure such as a Ferret Nation. In small enclosures, fennecs should be let out to play daily.

They weigh as much as a chihuahua and are harmless. Bat-eared foxes are similar animals that are not privately-owned in high numbers.

Tamanduas and Two-Toed Sloths

I include this unique animal only to show how an animal being "wild" and exotic certainly doesn’t mean it has to possess the danger of a Bengal tiger. Not all animals are ready to pounce on your next door neighbor or bat its paws at moving cars.

How many people would feel threatened by a two-toed sloth? This is an animal that an infant can probably out-crawl. Sloths are high-maintenance pets, and there’s a lot of misinformation floating around about them.

Currently, their captive-bred populations are small, and they are (thankfully) unpopular as pets. To properly accommodate them, they should have a large room or an aviary with sizable branches and ropes to climb on. But with the right owner, the animal’s welfare needs can be met.

Is a sloth or anteater (tamandua) dangerous? Well, look at them. Sloths do possess teeth, and in the worst case scenario, a person holding one can sustain an injury. As far as these animals escaping and running rampant, causing problems for other people, it's veritably impossible.

Bennett's Wallabies

Unlike kangaroos, wallabies are simply too small to be any possible threat or nuisance to anyone. Wallabies are mostly outdoor pets, and should be kept in a sufficient pen with available shelter.

Owners can seal a connection with these marsupials early on by carrying them in a makeshift pouch sling in their early adolescence. After this criterion is met, wallabies thrive in domestic settings. Outside of ideologies, no valid reason exists to ban these animals as pets.

Muntjac Deer

Similar to pot-bellied pigs, muntjac deer are kept by some as house pets, and they are unique to their larger counterparts. Muntjac deer reach the size of a large house cat, and are reported by their owners to be extremely affectionate.

If you realized that your neighbor was keeping a pet deer indoors, that might sound bizarre and destined to be a problem. However, aside from the owners needing to deal with the excessive chewing habit this species is prone to, they are wonderfully enriching pets that thrive with the proper human’s care.

Spotted Genets

I can personally attest to the harmlessness of this supposedly intimidating-looking exotic pet. An episode of the show Wild Justice on the National Geographic channel will call them a "wild African exotic mammal."

To me, they are a high energy, arboreal, and nocturnal "cat-ferret." They combine many qualities of different animals, as well as possessing a few of their own, and make a very rewarding pet for the right owners who can tolerate them.

Owners who like to snuggle and hold their pets for extended periods may want to turn owning a genet down—they just aren’t mentally built for it. Genets are very skittish and hate to be restrained by humani, and the last thing any person needs to worry about is their neighbor’s genet attacking them. Scratch marks can be expected for the owner who will interact with their pet genet (mine have significantly decreased since my genet’s babyhood).

I have also gotten some angry nips and the occasional bite due to food protection, fear, and simple playing, but I have survived these superficial wounds. My genet is extremely hesitant to leave my room, let alone the house, not that I would allow that to happen. If he did escape, my biggest fear would be his death, not him "sneaking into someone’s doggie door and messing with someone" (as was literally stated by the Wild Justice episode). Every genet owner knows that is preposterous.

African Servals, Savanah Cats, and Other Small to Medium-Sized Felines

Servals require demanding husbandry and caging requirements.

While servals may have an intimidating size, most of their height comes from the length of their legs. They have a build similar to a cheetah (which, despite being a big cat, is also not so dangerous to people), and hunt much smaller prey.

A pet serval is not even likely to stalk a child if, by worst-case scenario, it broke free from its owner’s home. In fact, from what I can find, servals have been responsible for no human fatalities or even any significant injury in the US.

You are in less danger from spending an hour in a room with an angry serval than 10 minutes with a protective dog on its turf that they don't own.

Other medium-sized felines:

Bobcats. In this category, bobcats possess the biggest potential to be dangerous because they actually take large prey despite their size. Yet, outside of rabies cases in wild bobcats, there are no reported bobcat attacks (this disease makes some animals highly aggressive) and are actually said to be the easiest of all the medium exotic pet cats.

Asian leopard cats, ocelots, jungle cats, and Geoffrey cats. Asian leopard cats, ocelots, jungle cats, and Geoffrey cats are also small cats that will not hunt down neighborhood children in the event of an escape. However, they do not make good, easy pets. The owner would need to be willing to create double door entrances to their house, have an outdoor pen for the cat, and deal with excessive scent marking via spraying.

Savannah cats. Savannah cats are domesticated cats mixed with serval blood. The highest serval percentage (53%) Savannah is an F1, and their prices run from $7,000 to $22,000. F4 generation Savannah cats are similarly tall, and F3 and down are smaller and far more domesticated (more like a regular cat) than wild. They are simply interesting cats with dog-like characteristics. These animals pose no threat to public safety.

Bush Babies

Welfare-wise, it's hard to defend having primates as pets. This is because they require dedicated individuals who have the animal smarts to understand their complex needs. The prospective owners should also preferably set them up in colonies so that they can benefit from social enrichment. Either that, or they should have a human owner who can spend significant amounts of time with them.

Unfortunately, many monkeys are purchased on a whim by people who believe they can be treated like small people. In the end, they have a relatively intelligent but highly instinctive and high energy animal with retained wild characteristics.

For the previously stated reasons, I’ve never been interested in owning monkeys without garnering the needed experience and financial means, but I think bush babies differ from monkeys, other prosimians and certainly great apes (which don’t belong with any private owner—no exceptions).

Bushbabies should not to be confused with slow lorises, which are not readily available for the most part, cannot be kept as a pet ethically.

Capybaras and Patagonian Cavies

Capybaras. Capybaras are the world’s largest rodent, clocking in at 150+ pounds. Their size alone would arouse interest from the non-exotic pet experienced crowd. However, if you have a yard with a water source like a pool or deep pond, these massive semi-aquatic rodents can potentially be an enjoyable pet that clearly are of no danger to those uninvolved with this animal’s care.

Patagonian cavies. Patagonian cavies are smaller, more terrestrial versions of the animals (both are closely related to guinea pigs) who require some room to roam, and are obviously not dangerous as well.

The idea of a large rodent as a house-pet may sound weird to another person, but it truly is a harmless pet that a person should be allowed to keep if that is their desire.

Kinkajous

Thanks to mundane pop culture worship, kinkajous may have found a way to make a name for themselves among the typical cat and dog owning public. Well, one in particular at least:

Aptly named Baby Luv by owner Paris Hilton, this medium-sized pet proved to be not so suitable for red carpet photo ops. Leave it to naïve celebritiesto give exotic pet owners bad names due to their mishandling. Logic should induce someone to conclude that this normally secretive arboreal mammal (from the raccoon family) wouldn’t appreciate bright lights and unfamiliar scenarios. It is also illegal to own these animals in many polities, along with every other non-dog or cat.

Exotic pet ownership requires some remnants of common sense and 'animal smarts,' and while Ms. Hilton did get "attacked" by the small mammal (bitten more than once), she went to the hospital for a tetanus shot and the bites were described as superficial. There were no life-ruining deformities there, just the overly sensationalizing and predacious media at its finest.

Kinkajous require a spacious cage and need an outlet for their energy at night. Consistent handling will make them wonderful pets for true exotic animal lovers, and they are relatively popular in terms of exotic mammals. Coatimundis and ringtail cats are also closely related exotic pets that are similar. Those who aren’t their owners really have no business minding if someone brings one home.

Boa Constrictors

All reptiles are undomesticated and considered to be exotic pets. Yet, most of them are essentially harmless; however, the words "boa constrictor" may send chills down the typical snake-o-phobe’s spine.