Baseline Bob Show Episode 2: 532nd Annual Baseline Appreciation Day (B.A.D.) Parade

Baseline Bob Show Episode 2: 532nd Annual Baseline Appreciation Day (B.A.D.) Parade

By Hannah Dvoryanin

 

The 532nd Annual Baseline Appreciation Day (B.A.D.) Parade

With Honorary Grand Marshal Baseline Bob.

 

His genome still carries vestigial hereditary traits for innumerable ailments which most sophonts have screened out.

He was hyperglycemic, now he’s diabetic.

He takes medicine for hypothyroidism.

His arteries are hardening due to the accumulation of cholesterol plaque.

He gets dizzy and his vision clouds if he doesn’t take his hypertension medication.

His body accumulates fat as his muscle mass decreases.

He experiences bone loss from Osteoporosis.

His lung capacity decreases as he gets older.

He frequently suffers from anxiety, depression and attention deficit.

He possibly registers on the spectrum of autism and Asperger’s Syndrome.

He has a high possibility that he will succumb to Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia or Parkinson's disease.

He will probably die from cancer, heart disease, or stroke, unless he has a serious accident or kills himself first.

He wears corrective lenses for his eyes, called glasses.

He hears a ringing in his ears from Tinnitus.

He has hayfever, asthma, and a host of food and airborne allergies.

He’s lactose intolerant and gets gassy from glutens.

He has erectile dysfunction.

He wears corrective shoes.

His hairline is receding.

He has adult acne.

He has bad breath and peculiar body odors.

He has sleep apnea.

HE SNORES!

 

Who would live like this?

 

That’s right kids….IT’S BASELINE BOB!

 

The Imperial Holonet’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, BASELINE BOB!

 

<Cue the Baseline Bob Theme Song>

 

It’s Not Your Show,

It’s The Baseline Bob Show,

And Not Your Show,

Which is why it’s called

The Baseline Bob Show,

And NOT called Your Show.

Because It's

….The….

….Baseline….

….Bob….

….Showwwwwww……..

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience applause with children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "This weekend, the Grand Marshall of the 532nd Annual Baseline Appreciation Day (B.A.D.) Parade was none other than the Holonet’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, our very own Baseline Bob."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Wearing nothing other than his iconic trademark brown corrective shoes, corrective lens glasses, bobble hat, and his court ordered ankle monitor homing device, proudly displaying his circumcised heritage which is almost visible, Baseline Bob, like the other baselines participants, marched nude to show their bodies free of from all surgical, chemical, or genetic augmentation or modification."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Say Hi to the kids, Baseline Bob."

 

Baseline Bob smiles vacantly and waves indistinctly at the camera, "Hi, Kids. I’m walking in a parade today," then looking downward, "Someone took my clothes."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar steps into the camera, wearing nothing except for a sash that says ‘governor’, "That’s right, Baseline Bob. You’re the honorary Grand Marshal of our parade as we celebrate the accomplishment of Baselines, like you."

 

Baseline Bob looks at Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar, "Are you the governor, where am I?”

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar laughing, "You’re on New Telluria III, one of the largest Baseline Reservations for undomesticated baselines in the Imperium. Don’t worry, Baseline Bob, we’ll let you leave after the parade."

 

Baseline Bob looks around, "I was told there was going to be pie."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar places a heavy hand on Baseline Bob’s shoulder, "Oh, we’ll make sure you get your pie, Baseline Bob. First, look out at the Imperial Esplanade here on Telluria III. See the many sympathetic Near-Baselines, Augments, Tweaks, Mods, Protomorphs, Therianthropes, Moreauvians, Genetic Construct Replicants, Synthesoids, Morevecs, Androids, and other Algorithmic Intelligences march alongside in solidarity of Baseline Rights."

 

Various handsome human looking, alien, anthropomorphic, cyborg and androidlike people point, laugh, wave and cheer as Baseline Bob and Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar walk past.

 

Baseline Bob looks, "They’re not naked."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar waves to the adoring crowd, "No, of course not, Baseline Bob. Nudity is for us 'Normals'. They came here to marvel at how baselines can survive at all. We’re thankful for the Imperium for creating these reservations for us, aren’t we, Baseline Bob?"

 

Baseline Bob looks at Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar, but does not say anything.

 

The director’s voice in the foreground, off camera, “Say Yes, Baseline Bob."

 

Baseline Bob looks at the camera, then at Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar and says, "Yes? Baseline Bob?"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Kids, Normals is sometimes used as a polite term for Baselines, usually by near-baseline Plebes. Baselines are humans who are still at the base evolved non-augmented level of Homo sapiens sapiens, and are too often regarded with pity or disdain by more typical sapient beings. Despite being terribly disadvantaged as a result, some baseline humans choose to stay unmodified for religious, political, or ideological reasons. Some are luddites, or members of religions that prohibit genetic engineering, or human supremacists, or other, often disenfranchised, minorities within larger societies."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar smiles past the minor gaffe, "Baseline Bob, outside of the Geminga Sphere, the number of undomesticated baseline humans peaked about 500 years ago, and has been slowly but steadily declining since, both in absolute and relative terms. The decline of baselines have been accelerated especially rapidly since the decline of the Goa’uld Empire 500 years ago, who created the majority of baseline wildlife reservation in the galaxy over the last 5000 years. We were thankful to our former Goa’uld overlords then and now we’re thankful to our Trantorian overlords."

 

Baseline Bob looks at the camera, then at Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar and says, "What are you talking about?"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Kids, the most recent Imperium wildlife census shows that the population of wild, feral and otherwise undomesticated baselines outside of the Geminga Sphere and isolated baseline-only habitats, polities, reserves and parks to be less than fifty billion, classifying baselines as an endangered species by the Trantorian Galactic Imperium. Baseline humans have shown themselves to be remarkably fecund in the appropriate environment, but their habitats are rapidly dwindling, mostly due to encroachment by Near-Baselines, Augments, Tweaks, Mods, Protomorphs, Therianthropes, Moreauvians, and of course actual xenosophont species which are environmentally compatible with baseline’s typical favored environments.”

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar, " Baseline Appreciation Day (B.A.D.) Festivals provide a lot of our funding, Baseline Bob, because the majority of our population is too disabled to work enough that we can tax them. Besides the tourism from Baseline Appreciation Day (B.A.D.) Festivals, the broadcasting rights make for great ratings popular with 'woke' human nearbaselines and augments of various sorts, and with clades derived by base human genetic stock and still regard baselines favourably."

 

Baseline Bob looks at Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar and says, "You have us walk naked in the street to make you money."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar smiles jubilantly, "That’s right, Baseline Bob, anything to keep taxes down. And it’s money to pay for the maintenance and upkeep of Baseline Reservations like this one, Baseline Bob. What's a little flapping your money maker in the breeze to keep taxes low and services current? It's an election year, smile, Baseline Bob."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar turns Baseline Bob’s attention in a different direction, "This is my favorite part, Baseline Bob. Tourists dress up and imitate either various idealized humans or some particular famous historical or fictional baseline human, who made great achievements despite their limited capabilities. Any time or place where baselines were influential is fair game. Most commonly depictions are positive: of great musicians, artists, writers, actors, scientists, scholars, and the like. Less commonly they may be of infamous tyrants, murderers or swindlers. Look at those Near Baseline children over there, Baseline Bob, they’re dressed like you, you’re especially popular among Plebe children. See how they are dress up with your iconic blue canvas pants, red and white horizontal striped long sleeve shirt, brown corrective walking shoes, court ordered ankle monitor bracelet, corrective eyeglasses, bobble cap and your famous vacant smile?"

 

Baseline Bob looks at the camera while pointing at the children, "I want my clothes back, I want pie."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: " Baseline Appreciation Day (B.A.D.) Festivals vary greatly from planet to planet, but the most common focus is a celebration of the achievements of ancient baselines despite our many limitations. In some places this is a matter of adulation and emulation, but given the much greater capabilities of any modern sapiens over baselines, there is more often than not an overtone of pity, and no small amount of mockery by popular commentators on social media such as Twitcher and Headbook. Some celebrations may be organized around the theme of striving and survival and eventual success against great odds. "

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Despite the fact that definitions and divisions between different populations of nearbaselines are far from clear, the Algorithmic Intelligence known as Erasmus at the Imperial Institute of Biological Taxonomy recognizes over 36,000 modern subspecies of Homo sapiens in addition to the endangered baseline Homo sapiens. Most common of all nearbaselines with at least ten thousand "races" is the Homo Sapeins Sapiens Plebus, sometimes jokingly referred to as baseline-nearbaselines, or merely as Plebes."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar, "We’re almost done, Baseline Bob, then we can have pie."

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar and Baseline Bob walk up onto the stage, then up to the Podium.

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar, "Thank you, one and all, here, at home and on the Imperium Holonet, for supporting Telluria III and Baseline Rights."

 

The crowd cheers wildly and begin to chant for Baseline Bob.

 

Governor Oogdailsax Zerklar, "Yes, yes, I know what you want. And remember when you donate and on election day, who brought him here for you. It is my honour and privilege as Governor of Telluria III to introduce to you the Honorary Grand Marshall of the Baseline Appreciation Day Parade, BASELINE BOB! Baseline Bob, say something to your many fans here and on the Impeium Holonet."

 

Baseline Bob stands up to the podium, and points to the children and says into the microphone, "I want my clothes back, I want pie."

 

The crowd cheers crazily.

 

<Roll Credits>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Baseline population still carry vestigial hereditary traits such as colour blindness, albinism, hemophilia, nearsightedness, dwarfism, gigantism, various kinds of anemia, thyroid, pancreatic, liver and kidney ailments, starvation-resistance malfunctions, allergies, attention deficit, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, autism, and a host of other mental deficiencies."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Baselines live with the social stigma of no finely symmetrical features, no exaggerated supernormal features, or even enhanced sexual dimorphism. They struggle with declining ability to hear high or low pitched sounds as they get older, and vulnerable to tinnitus. Skin defects and blemishes; unaltered body odours. Hayfever, asthma, and a host of food and airborne allergies. Hair that is not resistant to moulting, splitting and other unhealthy states. Actual handedness, instead of universal ambidexterity. Susceptibility to dizziness, disorientation. Susceptibility to nearsightedness, farsightedness, astigmatism, night blindness and other visual maladies. Frequently malfunctioning pain management system. Susceptible to substance dependence. Susceptible to sociopathy, psychopathy, narcissistic tendencies and a host of mental and personality defects. Lack of the ability to multitask or even maintain moderate focus. Susceptibility to sleeping disorders. Susceptibility to phobias, panic and shock reaction, resulting in excessive fear of heights, darkness, enclosed spaces and so on. They typically succumb to 'panic' or the overwhelming of rational thought by emotional stress, or go into 'shock', either physical or mental, regardless of the degree of stress they may be undergoing. Hyperglycemia, Diabetes, hypothyroidism, hardened arteries, hypertension, osteoporosis,  the spectrum of autism and Asperger’s Syndrome. Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia or Parkinson's disease. Cancer, heart disease, stroke. High incidence of suicide. Lactose and intolerant. Erectile dysfunction. Sleep apnea and snoring. Lacking low-error DNA repair, rapid clotting, scarless tissue remodeling and organ/limb regeneration, and an average lifespan usually under a century."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "It no wonder why Baselines are an endangered species. Please donate generously to support a Baseline Reservation near you. Or contact the online giftshop and buy a gift for someone you love or are obligated to gift; the proceeds go to support Baseline Reservations like the one on Telluria III. Thank you for your generosity."

 

Text Scroll on the bottom of the screen:

 

This episode of Baseline Bob brought to you from the Baseline HyperTuring Dependence Foundation, many Baselines have entrenched dependence on HyperTuring infrastructure for almost every aspect of their existence, and to a greater or lesser extent lost all sense of independence or maturity, and become arrested at a childhood level. The baseline sees the HyperTuring as a benign parental figure, not unlike the ancient conception of a gift-giving supernatural deity.

 

As a result many Baselines with HyperTuring Dependence, suffer from inability to defer pleasure, insensitivity to the needs of other sentients, hypertrophied egotism, self-centeredness, anxiety in unfamiliar settings, and tendency to temper tantrums and emotional outbursts. These symptoms may be mild or developed to a pathological degree, depending on the individual, the environment, the degree of memetic modification by their host HyperTuring infrastructure.

 

Please support efforts to reintroduce baseline humani back into the wild, where they can live independent and free, even if that means they eventually lose their genetic distinctiveness and eventually disappear as a distinct species.