Baseline Bob Show Episode 3 Visit to Freethinker Exile Islands

Baseline Bob Show Episode 3 Visit to Freethinker Exile Islands

By Hannah Dvoryanin

 

The lenses in his eyes stiffen as he gets older.

He can’t hear certain high frequencies he used to when he was a teenager.

The walls of his heart are getting thicker and his arteries are hardening.

He loses muscle mass and lung capacity as he ages.

His blood vessels are become less elastic.

Increasingly he has lapses in memory.

His body is absorbing old bone tissue faster than new bone tissue can be created

His bones are becoming thinner and weaker.

The cartilage in his joints are beginning to wear away.

He also gets frequent pain, swelling and stiffness in his joints that can last for hours or days.

He suffers from chronic acid reflux.

He has gingivitis and dental tartar buildup.

 

Who would possibly live like this?

 

That’s right kids….IT’S BASELINE BOB!

 

The Imperial Holonet’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, BASELINE BOB!

 

<Cue the Baseline Bob Theme Song>

 

It’s Not Your Show,

It’s The Baseline Bob Show,

And Not Your Show,

Which is why it’s called

The Baseline Bob Show,

And NOT called Your Show.

Because It's

….The….

….Baseline….

….Bob….

….Showwwwwww……..

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience applause with children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Today, kids, Baseline Bob is going to a Freethinker Exile Island. I know, Ooooh. But they can be fun. Kids, when you’re older, you too can visit a freethinker exile island. It fun to watch the unhappy freethinkers who don’t fit well in our brave new world. It’s fun to watch the freethinkers. Let’s see how Baseline Bob is faring."

 

Camera pans in to see Baseline Bob wandering around in his characteristic red and white striped shirt, bobble hat, blue jeans, horned rimmed glasses, and corrective shoes.

 

Baseline Bob: Where am I?

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude: HEYA, BASELINE BOB! You’re on the totally non-heinous, bodacious island of The Quantum Zen of the Tao of the No-Way NeoDuddhims.

 

Baseline Bob: No way.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, nodding quite enthusiastically: WAY! Baseline Bob Dude, way.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Imperium 'This is Sparta' Regulations regarding HoloNetwork broadcasts, requires that I read the following precautionary notice.

 

Caution! Proceed at Your Own Risk!

 

Neither the Trantorian Galactic Imperium, Imperium HoloNetword, Lebowskian Duddhism Society, nor the No-Way Neo-Duddhism Society, or any of their affiliates shall be held responsible for any or all harm, including but not limited to acute or chronic insanity or other forms of mental-emotional stability, spirit possession, multi-generational curses, unpleasant astral projection or lucid dreaming experiences, the development of annoying or just awkward facilities of clairaudience, clairvoyance, clairsentience, etc. or any unfolding of negative past karma stores ..... occurring as a result from or in tangent with any of the practices or philosophical insights presented herein.

 

Baseline Bob watches Cheerful Slacker Dude finish up an air guitar solo.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude waves directly at the camera when the announcer finishes, "Thanks, Amigo! Party On!"

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude turns back to Baseline Bob, "As I was saying, Baseline Bob. WAY! Baseline Bob, Dude! Way."

 

Baseline Bob: Where am I?

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude looking sympathetically at Baseline Bob, "Baseline Bob Dude, I totally get that, happens to me all of the time. Which is why it is so important that we all *_Be Excellent to Each Other_*." Cheerful Slacker Dude makes an air guitar riff as he says 'Be Excellent to Each Other'.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude looks off camera, "Am I allowed to touch him if I don’t hurt him? He looks delicate."

 

Director, "Just be careful, just like we showed in orientation."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude puts his arm around Baseline Bob and quietly explains, "Stability and happiness in society are more important than humanity. Social stability requires the sacrifice of art, science, and spirituality and people giving themselves over completely to the will of the World State. Not that I am against social harmony and getting rid of negative emotions, and I love some Soma when I can get some. A life without art, science or spirituality is giving up too much of my humanity and is not a life worth living. Freethinking people like me just don’t fit in. The World State exiles us freethinkers to these remote islands without readily available consumer good. I tell you, my totally bodacious non-heinous Baseline Bob Dude, we still Party On."

 

Baseline Bob asks timidly, "Why are you here?"

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude with the patience that comes from dealing with innumerable slackers and stoners over the years, "I follow the Know Way as taught in the Keano Code, as best exemplified in the life and times of the greatest rock band that every lived, WYLD STALLYNS!" Predictably, Cheerful Slacker Dude makes an air guitar riff as he says 'WYLD STALLYNS'.

 

Baseline Bob asks still a bit timidly, "Wyld Stallyns?"

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude makes an air guitar riff as Baseline Bob says 'WYLD STALLYNS'.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude enthusiastically, "That’s right, Baseline Bob Dude, Wyld Stallyns. But more than that, it is the full Keano Code. Embracing both the profound innocence and good-natured happy-go-lucky attitude of Bill and Ted, the fearless heroics of Speed's Jack Travens while keeping a totally steady 50 miles per hour, and potentially even the reality-mastery of Trinity and Neo."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "Although to be fair, The Big Lebowski 'the Dude' and his perpetual practice of 'Abiding' is pretty consistent with the practice of the Keano Code and the Know Way of NeoDuddhism. We give respect to the Big Lebowski, the Dude, and the practice of Abiding."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "There is also Dudeao-Kianuanity - which particularly embraces the intersections between Keanu's career and aspects of Judeo-Christianity, Neo-Sophy (an advanced and updated form of Duddhist Theosophy), Kianuyana and Duddhayana Duddhism, The Church of Neo-Christ of Later-Day Duddhas, Kianunetics, Kianumandu, Society for Keanu-Consciousness, Keanuistic-Duddhism, and others. We all live together because we all embrace the fundamentals of Being Excellent to Each Other and Partying On."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "Baseline Bob Dude, I am so going to hook you up with pie. Do you know why?"

 

Baseline Bob looks cautious, sensing a trick question, "I have a contract, it states clearly about pie."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "Dude, Dude, it’s…."

 

Voice of the Director heard offscreen interrupting, "You may call him Baseline Bob, or Baseline Bob Dude, but not just Dude or Bob or Bob Dude."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "You’re so right, Director Amigo Dude, sorry."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude turns back to Baseline Bob, "Baseline Bob Dude, it’s more than just about the pie clause in your contract, it’s about one of the founding principles of the Know Way of NeoDuddhism. 'Be Excellent to Each Other'." Cheerful Slacker Dude makes an air guitar riff as he says 'Be Excellent to Each Other'.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "I would get you pie, even without a contract clause stipulating it, because I like you, Baseline Bob, and it’s important to be excellent to each other. Treat others even better than you would have them 'do unto you'."

 

Camera pans to Baseline Bob who is taking some medication and washing it down with a swamp melon sports drink, smiling, "Can we have pie now? I am not supposed to take my scrips on an empty stomach."

 

<Scene changes to a humble bistro>

 

Baseline Bob and Cheerful Slacker Dude have crumbs on their shirts and stains on their hands and faces. An empty pie pan and two crumb filled plates are in front of them.

 

Baseline Bob smiling, "I like pie, that was good pie."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude belches and rubs his distended stomach, "It was good pie, thank you to your totally bodacious friends for bringing so much pie."

 

Baseline Bob, "We bring pie everywhere we go. Everyone likes pie."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "Baseline Bob Dude, you already have embraced the first principle of the Know Way of Neo Duddhism, be excellent to each other."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude makes an air guitar riff as he says 'Be Excellent to Each Other'. Baseline Bob awkwardly tries to make an air guitar.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude smiles, "That’s right Baseline Bob Dude, you treat others even better than you would have them 'do unto you'."

 

Baseline Bob deadpanned, "Only pie."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "The second principle is 'Party On', which is about doing Totally Non-Heinous Bodacious Stuff and have fun doing it! I watch your show, Baseline Bob Dude. You do Totally Non-Heinous Bodacious Stuff all the time."

 

Baseline Bob nod uncertainly, "If they give me pie."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "There’s pie, and more, Baseline Bob Dude.You’re 2/3rds the way there. All you need now is The Quantum Zen of the Tao of the Know-Way."

 

Baseline Bob looking half interested, "Pie and more? You mean more pie?"

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude, "The Quantum Zen of the Tao of the Know-Way is an expanded exploration of the philosophical underpinnings of the Duddhist No-Way and esoteric practices such as Meditation, Mindfulness, the Duddhist  Chi-gung, Tantric techniques, foundational Kung-Fu, Nei-Gung, Internal Alchemy, Entheogenic Enhancements, Neuro-linguistic programming and hyper-dimensional ceremonies, that make the Neo-Duddhist ideals of (K)no(w)-Way and Wake Up! more fully achievable. For those limited to a single lifetime, there are essential methods as well as a number of 'short-cut' tips including - especially within The Quantum Zen of the Tao of the No-Way and other in depth and advanced No-Way Duddhist philosophies, among other most bodacious things!"

 

Baseline Bob listens patiently for the part that might involve pie.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude on the edge of his seat, "Methods are provided in the belief that the essential techniques for spiritual development should ideally be available to everyone. Many of the techniques and information in the Quantum Zen of the Tao of the Know-Way have been held in strict secrecy for hundreds of years and was scattered in pieces. While limiting access to some of this information might still be a good idea to prevent its misuse, today the basics of these meditation methods and other secrets are usually only available in disorganized and only half-complete forms. The primary approaches to spiritual and energetic development, healing and adventure have been laid here out in their different aspects and with an overall progressive approach.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude on a rating gold roll, "In the past one had to search around trying to tie together the various strands of ancient teachings on Chi-gung, meditation, philosophy etc. to patch together and experiment hoping to find a comprehensive and logical approach to spiritual growth and an all around happy life. With the unveiled secrets of the Know-Way, a fairly comprehensive path , a bodacious 'short-cut' - to help avoid pitfalls and have more fun while efficiently achieving most-excellently harmonious Inner and outer growth."

 

"With your own properly-cultivated saliva, you can regenerate and regrow your body"

 

"You can tickle your brain with your tongue."

 

"Give birth to an immortal Spirit body from your Liver and some other inner organs!"

 

"Do You Really Believe That's Just Air You're Breathing?"

 

Clearly uncomfortable, Baseline Bob says, "Thank you for the pie. I like my breathing and my liver."

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude looks intensely at Baseline Bob, "Baseline Bob Dude, the No-Way is pretty easy-going. No-Way Duddhism is more about being Excellent and Partying On. Know-Way Neo-Duddhism is more demanding and the main challenging Neo-Duddhist Commandment is this, 'Wake Up!' which is a whole lot harder than it sounds! As implied by the Rage Against the Machine song at the end of The Matrix as well as the basic ideas of 'Waking Up' is all about learning to discern and effectively work with the deeper layers of Reality - getting (closer) to the truth of what's really going on and then using your new-found knowledge to make the situation better and helping to give others the option to Wake Up too. For most people, really 'Waking Up' requires a lot of dedication to at least a few key spiritual-psychological practices and seems likely to take more than one lifetime of sustained effort."

 

"Baseline Bob Dude, are you ready to 'Wake Up!' and take the red pill?"

 

Voices come from off camera, "Security, secure the package, secure the package, BB is in distress, BB is in distress, secure the package."

 

Several security guards come up from off camera stage left and right and forecamera, and tackle the Cheerful Slacker Dude to the ground and quickly place zip-tie restraints around his wrists and ankles, while a team of three quickly take Baseline Bob off camera.

 

Cheerful Slacker Dude is screaming as the security guards place the bag over his head, "The Red Pill is just a metaphor, it’s rhetorical, mmmphh-mmph-mph-ph."

 

Voice of the Director, "Cut, we’ll have editing deal with it. Set up at the alternate site."

 

<Screen goes black>

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience applause with children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Today, kids, Baseline Bob is going to a Freethinker Exile Island. I know, Ooooh. But they can be fun. Kids, when you’re older, you too can visit a freethinker exile island. It fun to watch the unhappy freethinkers who don’t fit well in our brave new world. It’s fun to watch the freethinkers. Let’s see how Baseline Bob is faring."

 

Camera pans in to see Baseline Bob wandering around in his characteristic red and white striped shirt, bobble hat, blue jeans, horned rimmed glasses, and corrective shoes.

 

Baseline Bob: Where am I?

 

Hello Baseline Bob, you’re on the island of Church of the SubGenius.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Imperium 'This is Sparta' Regulations regarding HoloNetwork broadcasts, requires that I read the following precautionary notice.

 

Caution! Proceed at Your Own Risk!

 

Neither the Trantorian Galactic Imperium, Imperium HoloNetword, nor the estate of Connie or Bob Dobbs, nor the Society for the Promotion of the Cult of the SubGenius, or any of their affiliates shall be held responsible for any or all harm, including but not limited to acute or chronic insanity or other forms of mental-emotional stability, spirit possession, multi-generational curses, unpleasant astral projection or lucid dreaming experiences, the development of annoying or just awkward facilities of clairaudience, clairvoyance, clairsentience, etc. or any unfolding of negative past karma stores ..... occurring as a result from or in tangent with any of the practices or philosophical insights presented herein.

 

"Have you ever heard of the Brown Note, Baseline Bob?"

 

Baseline Bob looks off camera, "I was told there would be pie."

 

. . . . . .