Baseline Bob Show Episode 4 Visit to the Fnordian Starport

Baseline Bob Show Episode 4 Visit to the Fnordian Starport

By Hannah Dvoryanin

 

He has to keep his muscles and cardiovascular system healthy by doing hours of useless physical labour.

 

His semen contains actual reproductive sperm.

 

He prevents contraception and sexually transmitted disease by binding his genitals with latex.

 

He keeps his organs viable by having surgeons cut him open and replace his failing organs with those recycled from deceased people.

 

His immune system does not prevent the microbes that dissolve his teeth, which must be frequently removed using various kinds of gels and pastes, and various other implements, multiple times per day.

 

When his teeth are damaged, a dentist removes a huge chunk with a diamond-tipped drill, then fills the giant hole they created with metal or ceramic, or extract it completely.

 

If his skin gets damaged, he will have scars when they heal.

 

He is dependent upon special environmental conditions such as UV-rich sunlight (for vitamin D) or specific intestinal flora (for some of the B vitamins), not produced naturally by the body, some vital amino acids also.

 

Who would possibly live like this?

 

That’s right kids….IT’S BASELINE BOB!

 

The Imperial Holonet’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, BASELINE BOB!

 

<Cue the Baseline Bob Theme Song>

 

It’s Not Your Show,

It’s The Baseline Bob Show,

And Not Your Show.

Which is why it’s called….

The Baseline Bob Show,

And NOT called Your Show.

Because It's

….The….

….Baseline….

….Bob….

….Showwwwwww……..

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience applause with children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Occasionally I am able to channel my chi through various chakra creating a profound zenlike state of timelessness whereby I transcend the self and thus am able to subordinate my own pleasure response to that of my partner and enter into that intimate trusting state where deep feminine emotions potentiate intense sexual desire. Seriously, I can do this.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: It’s totally worth the effort. I marvel at the glorious display of the female sexual response with the myotonic shudderings of her pelvis and thighs, the dancing yes of nystagmus, the apneic breathing, the flushing of her arousal swollen erogenous tissues, and her occasional disappearances into various altered states. Her mind and body come completely under the control of her climax response; her body emphatically registers the cathartic measure of her contractions, aftershocks, solitary shudders and convulsive flexes eliciting sighs of intense pleasure and release then gathering strength again into another long series of rhythmic contractions.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: We’re on? The light totally isn’t red. Really? You need to get that fixed.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: HEY KIDS! Today Baseline Bob is going to try to go to the spaceport that is near the baseline reservation. Let’s see what fun and hi-jinks he gets into there.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Is it off now? Okay, so like after the few quiet moments after my own modest release, I pause to contemplate how my own orgasmic response is paltry in caparison, inferior or perhaps even poorly evolved; but mainly I think to myself, “What the hell was going on over there?” AGAIN!? YOU SAID IT WAS OFF! I asked this time and everything. Dude, some professional courtesy please.

 

Starport Officer, “Starport Officer. Please present your World State Identification Card, Citizen. All citizens are required to present their World State Identification Cards. We're here to protect the people and to prevent any retribution. All citizens not having proper identification will be detained. All foreign nationals will be detained. All citizens who are deemed to be acting in a suspicious manner will be detained. Any detainees attempting to escape will be shot. Hail the World State, Citizen."

 

Baseline Bob, fumbling, "Yes. Hail the World State. Thank you Officer for protecting the security of the World State at all costs. Here is my World State Identification Card, Officer."

 

Starport Officer, "Very good, Citizen. Hail the World State."

 

Baseline Bob, “Yes. Hail the World State.”

 

Starport Officer, “Will you be requiring an internal travel visa, Citizen?”

 

Baseline Bob, “How much is the toll charge for internal travel visas, Officer?”

 

Narrowing his eyes, the Starport Officer asks menacingly, “Why do you need to travel, Citizen?”

 

Baseline Bob, “I don’t, Officer. Please forgive me for asking.”

 

Baseline Bob nervously, “Would you be so kind to inspect my home without cause or warrant so that I may hold my head high and proud in public that I support Fnordia? I want to be a very good citizen."

 

Starport Officer, "Yes. Very good, Citizen."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Every day polls show that real Fnordians approve whatever security measures are necessary to fight terror. Remember, kids, Hail the World State, it’s the law.

 

Baseline Bob, “Thank you, Officer. May I buy another a World State approved flag to put in my window to demonstrate my patriotism?”

 

Starport Officer handing over a receipt, “It is already ordered and on its way, Citizen. The cost has already been withheld and deducted from your pay. Would you care for another for your car or your back window or perhaps the alleyway?”

 

Baseline Bob, “I don’t own a car. I will not have enough for food or rent if I do. But I love Fnordia. Order them all please, Officer.”

 

Starport Officer, “Would you care to buy temporary flags until your official flag arrives, Citizen?”

 

Baseline Bob, “Yes Officer. Hail the World State.”

 

Starport Officer, “Hail the World State, indeed, Citizen. Today we are removing items from the Ferenginar and Bajor, Citizen. The Philippines and Taiwan could be harboring terrorists. Commerce in these items might support terrorists or their families, or friends of their families or people that resemble the friends of the families of people who might support terrorists.”

 

Baseline Bob, “Take them away, Officer. I want a guilt free home.”

 

Starport Officer sounding suspicious, “There is no meat in your home, Citizen. Lots of pie. You are not a vegetarian are you, Citizen?”

 

Baseline Bob, “I cannot afford meat, Officer.”

 

Starport Officer, “Meat is Fnordian. Eating meat supports out farmers. Eat more meat, Citizen. I will be taking this Tequila. Tequila is insufficiently Fnordian. Drink more whiskey and Fnordian brands of beer. Consume more Fnordian goods and services to keep Fnordia strong, Citizen.”

 

Starport Officer, “Is this rug made out of hemp, Citizen?”

 

Baseline Bob, “I do not think so, Officer.”

 

Starport Officer, “I do not see a World State Official Certification, Citizen. You will have to pay to have it tested.”

 

Baseline Bob, “I cannot afford to have it tested, Officer. Could you remove it anyway?”

 

Starport Officer, “Yes. The fine for your guilty plea for possession of the hemp rug plus the removal fee will be withheld and deducted from your pay, Citizen. Hail the World State, Citizen.”

 

Baseline Bob, “Yes. Hail the World State, Officer.”

 

Starport Officer, “You are not married, Citizen.”

 

Baseline Bob, “No I am not, Officer. I am only twenty-two years old.”

 

Starport Officer, “You look thirty, eat more meat. Please report to the Gender Identification Rehabilitation Clinic within a week, Citizen. The cost will be withheld and deducted from your pay. There will be opportunities for community service to defray the cost made available at that time. After your rehabilitation, please report to the authorized representative of your designated higher power for introduction to appropriate spousal candidates.”

 

Baseline Bob, “Thank you, Officer. Here is my list of suspected subversives and their activities for the past week.”

 

Starport Officer, “It is only a page and a half long, Citizen.”

 

Baseline Bob, “I have been sick with the flu, Officer.”

 

Starport Officer, “I do not have a report of you being sick, Citizen.”

 

Baseline Bob, “I have used all of my sick time, so I had to take vacation time for being sick, Officer.”

 

Starport Officer, “A Bio-Hazard Team will be here soon to pick you up to test you for anthrax, botulism, samonella, plague, ebola, e coli and the other current risks, Citizen. The cost of the Bio-Hazard Team will be withheld and deducted from your pay.”

 

Baseline Bob, “I can take public transportation to get myself to the clinic, Officer.”

 

Starport Officer, “You should have thought of that before you went on vacation, Citizen. Please lie face down on the floor, Citizen. All citizens who are deemed to be acting in a suspicious manner will be detained. Any detainees attempting to escape will be shot. Hail the World State, Citizen."

 

Baseline Bob, "Yes, Hail the World State. Thank you, Officer. Thank you for protecting the security of the World State at all costs. Would you mind opening my mail for me while I am gone, Officer? I want to be a very good citizen."

 

Starport Officer, "Yes. Very good, Citizen. Hail the World State.”

 

Baseline Bob as they put the gag over his mouth and the bag over his head, “Hmhhm hhm Whmmd mmmhph.”

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Wasn’t that fun, kids? See how easy it is when you cooperate with Authorities. Don’t worry, after a short stint in rehabilitation and reconditioning, Baseline Bob will be back and good as new.