Baseline Bob Show Episode 6 Visit the alleged Sinisterhood

Baseline Bob Show Episode 6 Visit the alleged Sinisterhood

By Hannah Dvoryanin

 

He has varicose veins and is susceptible to deep vein thrombosis which could kill him.

He is developing liver spots on his skin and accumulated misrepairs have resulted in fribrosis of the skin he affectionately calls wrinkles.

He has immune system defects which causes allergies, food sensitivities, arthritic swelling at the joints, and possibly even Lupus.

He has vestigial genes from Neanderthals which makes him susceptible to diabetes, Crohn’s Disease, clinical depression, biliary cirrhosis, and a compulsion to smoke tobacco.

 

Who could live like this?

 

That’s right, Kids….IT’S BASELINE BOB!

 

The Imperium Holo-net’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, BASELINE BOB!

 

<Cue the Baseline Bob Theme Song>

(Kids, it’s mandatory to sing along)

 

It’s Not Your Show,

It’s The Baseline Bob Show,

And Not Your Show,

Which is why it’s called

The Baseline Bob Show,

And NOT called Your Show.

Because It's

….The….

….Baseline….

….Bob….

….Showwwwwww….

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience applause with children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "HEY KIDS! As you all may have learned from our good friends in the media, the evil cult knows as the Sinsterhood Sorority of St Beatrice and the Seven Secular Saints for the Betterment of Humanity, also known as the Well Behaved Ladies, has sent a sockless brain-eating witch to totally subvert the stability of our happy and stable society by bewitching one of our most popular reality television stars, leading us to war and bankruptcy, and ultimately to embrace impractical foreign ideas about representative democracy. "

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN in an aside, "Are you sure this is the right script? Okay, okay, sorry for missing rehearsal. I had like a thing to do, and I was late. A thing, I don’t have to tell you. Have humani resource talk to my agent if you don’t like it. She will confirm to you that I had an actual thing. I am not high right now. Oh, you’re offering, sorry. Yeah, let me finish this up and we can slip out to the Solidarity Service at the Community Singery, they have a nice Strawberry Ice Cream Soma. No, I actually like the singing and working myself into a frenzied exultation."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "In the past you could only accomplish these things by making a great effort and after years of hard moral training. Now, you swallow two or three half-gramme tablets, and there you are. Anybody can be virtuous now. You can carry at least half your morality about in a bottle. Religion without tears—that’s what soma is."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN sings, "Soma, a gramme is always better than a damn . . . Soma, a gramme in time saves nine . . . Soma, one cubic centimetre cures ten gloomy sentiments . . . Soma, better than religion and without tears . . . And if ever, by some unlucky chance, anything unpleasant should somehow happen, there’s always soma to Sive you a holiday from the facts. . . . <hums during the bridge> There’s always Soma to calm your anger, to reconcile you to your enemies, to make you patient and long-suffering. . . . Everybody’s happy nowadays . . . Everyone works for everyone else . . . When the individual feels, the community reels . . . Never put off till tomorrow the fun you can have to-dayyyyy . . ."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN stops singing. "Progress is lovely. Seriously, the ice cream at the Community Singery is great, they make it themselves."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN rustles thru the script pages, "Right, right, the script.…Narration, Hey Kids, mm-hm. Words, words, blah blah blah, clunky exposition, blahbida blahbida, yadda yadda, words, more clunky exposition, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, claptrap blather gobbledygook jibber-jabber prattle twaddle. So on and so forth, stuff like that and those kinds of things and such and whatnot, then a change up to those sorts of things and what have you. Okay, here we go, more self referential humour to appear ironic. What do you mean self-reflexive metahumour and not self referential? It’s the same thing. Skipping to page three. Got it? Ready."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "HEY KIDS! Today, Baseline Bob is going to visit one of Sinisterhood Hospitality Centers which have recently opened."

 

Baseline Bob, struggling to understand the menu, "Waite….Waitre….Waitperson, I would like to order 'a bit of crumpet', 'bam-bam in the ham', 'banana in the fruit salad', and the 'batter dipped corn dog'. I would also like to try the 'boppin squiddles' whatever that is, and the 'Bow-chick-a-wow-wow', that sounds like fun. Wait, add the 'hidden cannoli', 'creamed twinkie' with 'crushed buns' and some 'churned butter' on the side, and the 'shrimped Barbie'."

 

The Waitbeing, somewhat broadly and generously defined along the entire gender spectrum, tried to hide his/her/hir amusement and spoke sympathetically, "Is this your first visit here, Hon?"

 

Baseline Bob nods, "My name is Bob, those people over there keep calling me Baseline Bob, they follow me around, but they give me pie."

 

Baseline Bob looks back, still trying to study the strange unfamiliar menu, " I am looking for a good sampling, so much on the menu I have never heard of. I like to indulge when I eat out."

 

The Waitbeing trying to be helpful, "Eat out? Oh, Sweety, we specialize, consider the offerings on screen number two of the menu. Perhaps you might want to consider the 'clam lapping', or eat some 'kipper pie'. 'Ocean pinking' and 'Red wings' are very popular. 'Red Snapper' is on special."

 

Looking slightly disappointed, and shaking his head Baseline Bob replied with a sigh, "No, not hungry for seafood right now, I am trying to keep my mercury levels low. But maybe later, I do like pie."

 

Switching to a slightly deeper more masculine voice the Waitbeing swiped the pages of the menu, "Oh, Doll, you’re ordering off the wrong menu screen. If you want food, swipe left to screen four."

 

Still unsure what exactly is going on, looks patiently at the much shorter list of food and beverage on offer, Baseline Bob ordered more firmly this time, "Okay, I will have a firepot of the Kolari Wingslugs, a Demma sampler, some Xiqai, and a pitcher of Mandisa."

 

The Waitbeing looked at him sympathetically, "An excellent choice. We have a fresh live shipment of live wingslugs, 5 to 10 centimeters and thick like …. Do you want your wingslugs still alive so you can drop them into the firepot yourself, or you want them pre-cooked, the firepot is made so they cook at different rates."

 

Baseline Bob nodded with enthusiasm, "Oh, bring them live and I will drop them in myself. Such fun."

 

Smiling at the adventurous albeit naïve customer The Waitbeing jotted down the order details, "You might want some Kolari Ale or Lager, the Demma and Xiqai is a bit spicy for the first time. You will want more than just the Mandisa to drink."

 

Baseline Bob nodded, "Okay, you are nice."

 

"Thumbprint here, Sweetie. Pay with Latinum, Dejebbit or Credits."

 

Baseline Bob pressed his thumb to the order P.A.D.D., to which the waitbeing replied, " Welcome, big spender. Your order will be ready in a few minutes," then cooed coyly, albeit with a deep masculine voice, into Baseline Bob’s ear, "Check with me later, after the food has taken its effects, and I will explain menu screens one thru three in detail for you."

 

The waitperson spoke into hir communicator, "One live F'deraxt'la Muni Platter for table three and a pitcher of Kolari Ale," then turned and strolled off with exaggerated hip gyration.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "HEY KIDS! Let’s see how Baseline Bob is doing with his meal? How’s your meal, Baseline Bob?"

 

Baseline Bob looks around wondering where that voice comes from, " I still don’t know what Demma and Xiqai is, it’s so spicy it induces tears, but wash it down with the Kolari Ale and I can keep going. The smell is a bit pungent, but once you start, you can just dig right in and not stop."

 

Baseline Bob continued to babble, "These wingslugs are the most revolting creatures, squirmy little things about 10-20 grams. They gave me a variety, brownish-green, purplish taupe and the bruise black. I tried to hold them up by the little membranous wings to keep the mucus from getting on me. If you touch the main body while still alive, they ooze this caustic mucous which causes a burning sensation which lingers. I think their main defense is the awful smell and revolting taste, I think they must be carrion scavengers. I have acid scars on my hands, but I can’t stop."

 

Baseline Bob continued to stuff his mouth with death-throes Wingslugs, Demma and Xiqai while trying to simultaneously drink Mandiso and wash it down with the Kolari Ale chaser, "You bring the squirmy wingslugs to a slow boil in the firepot bowls, nearly to the point of death, where they let out faint, high-pitched screams, then drink them right from the bowl. The spices in the firepot bowls are really strong and the broth is very hot and caustic. I scalded my mouth, between the acid, the stench and the revolting taste, I nearly had to choke down the first wing-slug and wash it down with the Mandiso, but once you start, you can’t stop."

 

Baseline Bob looked quite distressed, "I am sure I am going to be sick, and I need to use the lavatory, but I can’t get the acid off my hands, and I really really really need to touch something."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Hey Kids! This is why they teach about spices that are mood, fertility and virility enhancers in Health Class. They are classified as controlled substances on many worlds, even though they do go well with chicken, they are banned outright on some worlds."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "Waitperson, how long for that to wear off? He can’t go walking around like that, with …. that, being, you know, like that. This is a kid’s show."

 

The Waitbeing crossing her arms, "Hey, those foods are priced out as loss leaders, to warm him up for menu pages 1-3. Notice how on page one is the lavatory assist. Wait, this is going to be on the holonet? Okay, hmmm. Given his size and metabolism, the amount of wingslugs, Demma and Xiqai he ate, the amount of broth, Mandiso and Kolari ale he drank," paused to double check the numbers in hir head, "about 3-4 days."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "We have a tight shooting schedule."

 

The Waitbeing, "Menu Page Five. Therapeutic aspiration in case of Orion cuisine overdose reaction. Never had anyone actually order it, has something to do with a needle inserted somewhere and drawing blood directly from the cavernosa, then injecting a saline solution to flush out the extra blood, then inserting a stint directly into the cavernosa."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "That sounds awful."

 

The Waitbeing, "Probably why no one has ever ordered it."

 

Baseline Bob starts to cry, "I want to touch it but I can’t, I have acid on my hands."

 

The Waitbeing, "Be with you in a minute, Hon, look at page one of the menu and click the translator button."

 

The Waitbeing, "Look here, you Blowdried Baritone Prima Dona, you gonna pay for the little horndog to order from page one thru three, or for page five?"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "I am not sure he can survive either one. Why does the Sinisterhood do this?"

 

The Waitbeing, "Darlin’, this is not the Sinsterhood Sorority of St Beatrice and the Seven Secular Saints for the Betterment of Humanity, you got the wrong address."

 

Baseline Bob continues to cry, "I can’t stand up like this."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "We had a flyer."

 

The Waitbeing, "Oh that. We have some gals who work in the kitchen, washed out from the Sinister aurospex, haruspicina, and extispicium program. They are really really good at preparing the liver and other entrails. On Thursday, the special is the livers of sacrificed sheep and poultry from their training programs."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "Can we meet one? We came all this way."

 

The Waitbeing, "Sure, but what about the little guy over there."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "We’ll have medical give him something to quieten down and be compliant. We will have to wait for accounting to decide about the Theraputic Aspiration of his genitals or the other options. They can probably make the cost benefit analysis."

 

The Waitbeing, "Okay, I get paid on a percentage of bookings and tips. Don’t go wasting my table. I will go see who we have in the kitchen for you."

 

Baseline Bob continues to cry, "I feel very strange."

 

The Waitbeing, "This is She-Barbara, she washed out from the psychometry program. She carves up liver and entrails in the kitchen now."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "Can you tell the kids watching at home what Psychometry is?"

 

She-Barbara, "I know things about things."

 

The Waitbeing, "She also makes great Rumaki."

 

She-Barbara, "The Slig-a-Pig suffered. The owner thought 'you don’t eat a slig like that all at once'."

 

The Waitbeing, "See? She’s great. Now, about this bill."

 

She-Barbara walked towards Baseline Bob, "You’re Baseline Bob."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "That is amazing, how do you know?"

 

She-Barbara, "I am like totally in your fan club."

 

Baseline Bob continues to cry, "I am in a lot of discomfort, I don’t think I even want pie."

 

She-Barbara taking a pencil from Baseline Bob’s shirt pocket protector (Which say "Aloha"), "Can I have your autograph?"

 

She-Barbara begins to shudder and shake.

 

The Waitbeing, "Now you’ve done it, this is going to cost you extra. Who is going to replace her for the dinner rush?"

 

She-Barbara holds the pencil in her hand, "You made this pencil. Who does that?"

 

She-Barbara holds the pencil close to her chest, "You used real cedar because you were afraid of environmental extremists if you used tropical woods, and didn’t want to use the plastic composites."

 

Turning the pencil over in her hand, "You bought a circular saw, just to cut the cedar log in the right length, then into little pencil slate."

 

Smelling the pencil, "You had to go to the emergency room, three times."

 

"You got ripped off twice from the graphite smugglers from Keswick. Then two different geologists ripped you off before you found one that would show you a limestone deposit with graphite. He sold you a used kiln."

 

"Someone sold you aluminum tubes at a bargain rate, formerly used for Uranium Enrichment to form the graphite "lead", but it turns out that graphite is corrosive when it comes in contact with aluminum. You spent 3 days on a respirator because you inhaled graphite particulates in micro-gravity."

 

Making a mark on the table, "After three months, you figured out a usable mixture of water, clay, graphite, paraffin wax, and hydrogenated natural fats to mix in the kiln at 1,900 degrees Fahrenheit. This is a 9F. Fine point which is a hard pencil for writing rather than drawing. You think that makes it classier."

 

"After another 3 weeks, you figured out how to make the actual writing cores. You finally placed the writing cores are placed into the grooves, glued a second grooved slat onto the first making a "lead sandwich". Then clamped the lead sandwich using a manual clamp to hold it together tightly while the glue dries. After the glue dried, you took the lead sandwich to a woodshop to trim the outside to make them all squared off and that the pencil is the proper length, then machined into hexagonal pencil shape."

 

"You had to go thru thru many batches before you got a decent pencil without defects, such as uncentered leads or chipped wood. The kids at woodshop painted the pencil using a machine and 10 coats of lacquer for optimal finish and the color depth. Then cut a recess to accept the ferrule. After the lacquer dried, he wrapped one end with a decorative foils with fancy designs; then stamping the foil into the surface of the pencil. Using the tipping machine, they added an eraser and a ferrule (the metal ring that holds the eraser to the pencil) are crimped into place on each pencil."

 

"Including medical costs and lost wages, your pencil cost you about 22,000 Credits."

 

"You named it Mongol 482, after a pencil you had as a kid, assembled, fabricated, and finished by Eberhard Faber Pencil Company."

 

"This table design went thru thousands of hours of tipover testing before they allowed it to go into full production."

 

"The wood supplied was changed after 10 years of labour disputes."

 

"The person who approved the switch on the cord instead of the base of that lamp, resigned in disgrace."

 

"There was a three hour argument in the engineer’s meeting over whether the vent on that lamp met with occupational safety and health standards."

 

She-Barbara starts to convulse and froth at the mouth, finally losing consciousness.

 

The Waitbeing rolling over She-Barbara so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit, "Sorry about that. I didn’t know she’s a fraud. She’s just a down on her luck engineer with a vicodin problem, not an aurospex. The Ramaki is really good though, you want an order to go?"

 

Baseline Bob continues to cry, "I want my pencil back."

 

The Waitbeing kicking She-Barbara for costing her a tip, "Settle up the bill now, and you can get a discount at the clinic for the Theraputic Aspiration."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN, "nom nom nom. This really is good Ramaki. HEY KIDS! This is why you should only cruise educational porn sites with the Ministry of Education’s Seal of Approval. You don’t want to have to be rushed to the emergency room for Theraputic Aspiration and have to wear adult diapers for a month."