Baseline Bob Show Episode 8 Promotes Toy Safety Exemption.

Baseline Bob Show Episode 8 Promotes Toy Safety Exemption.

By Hannah Dvoryanin

 

He has scared lungs and a chronic cough from untreated childhood bronchitis.

He has only partial lung capacity from untreated childhood asthma.

He has skin melanoma’s forming from never wearing sunscreen as a child.

He has thin papery skin from childhood malnutrition.

He has long periods of apathy from misdiagnosed Attention Span Deficit.

He has thinning and brittle hair, frequent rashes, water retention, bloating, and an enlarged liver from long term protein deficiency.

He has thin brittle bones from a lifetime of calcium deficiency.

He maybe sat too close to the television, maybe he listened to music too loudly.

 

Who can live with such torturous pain every day?

 

That’s right, Kids….IT’S BASELINE BOB!

 

The Imperium Holo-Net’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, BASELINE BOB!

 

<Cue the Baseline Bob Theme Song>

 

(Kids, it’s mandatory to sing along)

 

It’s Not Your Show,

It’s The Baseline Bob Show,

And Not Your Show,

Which is why it’s called

The Baseline Bob Show,

And NOT called Your Show.

Because It's

….The….

….Baseline….

….Bob….

….Showwwwwww….

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience applause with children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "HEY KIDS! Life was simpler when you could die at any minute from your favourite toy, or at least take an eye you so you knew fun-time was over."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Our producers feel strongly that if life is too safe, it can actually be detrimental for children and their development, as they need a certain amount of 'risk play' to learn how to navigate life’s challenges and build their confidence. And if a certain percent of the kids have to die or live with permanent disability so the rest of us can have some good clean fun, that’s the risk we are willing to let your children take. Darwin Rules! Parents, remember, danger is fun. Shake your kids vigorously and tell them you love them. They won’t know the difference so long as you say the words. Remember Stockholm Syndrome works just as well as actual love."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Baseline Bob doesn’t know what a libertarian is, but our producers do. Producers understand things for us so we don’t have to bother our little heads thinking about it. Thinking is bad, it can make your head hurt. I'm just a down on his luck soulless lackey desperate for a paycheck, so I don’t care."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "KIDS! In some libertarian polities you can sell any good and service so long as you give full disclosure about its dangers. Lucky you, you might be one of them."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "KIDS! It means discount toys your parents can afford even if they have a dead end job, cheap because they are banned elsewhere. CHEAP TOYS ….that might kill or maim you."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "KIDS! CHEAP TOYS!"

 

<Uproarous cheering of small children.>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Brought to you by the makers of Bag O’ Glass, makers of Bag O’ Sharp and Pointy Objects."

 

<Uproarous cheering of small children.>

 

Baseline Bob: "There’s a label on the bag that says, 'Kid! Be careful – broken glass!', but it says for children ages 3-6, can they read?"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Laissez Faire, Baseline Bob, if they have parents that won’t read to them, that is their problem. Don't worry, the market protects them somehow. Invisible hand of the market, good for everything. Sure sounds like Plutocracy, but the lawyers insist it’s Libertarianism if I want to keep my job, so suck it up and let’s move on. Kids pick up broken glass everywhere, this just packages what kids really want. It’s a creative toy, it has colours and the kids can learn about refraction."

 

Baseline Bob: "I like this little suction dart bow and arrow set, but if I pull off the rubber sucker, it’s a deadly missile. It can take someone’s eye out!"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Yes, our lighting guy doesn’t need two working eyes. Besides, that's how kids know when playtime is over, Baseline Bob, someone takes an eye out. There is a saying, so it must be true."

 

Baseline Bob: "I like this Crime Scene Investigation Fingerprint Examination Kit. You can look for fingerprints with a special powder and brushes."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "The powder is made with only 5% asbestos, so don't forget to wear the mask and gloves."

 

Baseline Bob coughs and has an asthma attack.

 

Director (offscreen): "Cut! Medic! Someone get Baseline Bob his inhaler. Set it up again for take number ten, and someone remind Baseline Bob not to inhale the powder this time."

 

<Next scene resumes, sometime later>

 

Baseline Bob: "These Inflatable Baby Boats are cute. They are a fun way for babies or toddlers to float safely in a pool."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Yes, the Baby Boats’ leg straps are prone to tear, causing the baby or toddler in question to slip through. The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled them, and apparently the company knew about the problem for over six years. Only 30 infants nearly drowned out of 3 million sold, at these prices, people can afford to take that risk."

 

Baseline Bob: "These Chaska Alaska, Joanna Arizona, Lenona Arizonia, Rona Arizona, Leonia California…"

 

Director (offscreen): "Read them all, Baseline Bob"

 

Baseline Bob: "….Alvarado Colorado, Querida Florida, Cora Georgia, Isabeau Idaho, Jana Indiana, Chucky Kentucky, Savannah Louisanna, Alana Louisiana, Anna Louisiana, Miranda Louisiana, Sandra Louisiana, Savannah Louisiana, Blaine Maine, Dane Maine, Jane Maine, Maine Lorraine, Carolyn Maryland, Lisette Massachusetts, Rhoda Minnesota, Pippi Mississippi, Lori Missouri, Murray Missouri, Montana Cara, Joanna Montana, Lana Montana, Anata Nevada, Lavada Nevada, Roarke New York, Dinah North Carolina, Rhoda North Dakota, Akikio Ohio, Chio Ohio, Shiloh Ohio, Paloma Oklahoma, Roma Oklahoma, Morgan Oregon, Ryland Rhode Island, Dinah South Carolina, Rhoda South Dakota, Jessie Tennessee, Mckenzie Tennessee, Alexis Texas, Chuta Utah, Judah Utah, Lamont Vermont, Zinnia Virginia, Johnson Wisconsin, and Naomi Wyoming playing cards seem nice."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "While 35 percent of all toys contain illegally high levels of lead, arsenic and cadmium, many toys are still not recalled. These playing cards stayed on the shelves longer because the lead is only in the pleasant smelling vinyl wrappers and not the cards themselves. Seventy-Five times the legal limit, but aren’t they just adorable?"

 

Baseline Bob: "Aqua Dots, pretty colourful beads. Choking Hazard?"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Nope."

 

Baseline Bob: "Strangulation hazard?"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Nope."

 

Baseline Bob: "Lead Paint, Arsenic or Cadmium?"

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Nope."

 

Baseline Bob: "They seem nice, colourful beads that can be arranged into different designs and then permanently set by sprinkling them with water."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "DATE RAPE DRUGS! The glue contains chemicals that metabolized into gamma-hydroxybutyrate, otherwise known as GHB – the date rape drug. Children vomit and lapse into comas, some drown in their own vomit. Hard to find anymore? Don’t worry, the manufacturers solved the problem by rebranding the Aqua Dots as “Pixos” and they remain on shelves to this day. Popular with entitled hard drinking fratboys that just want to have some good ol’ sexual assault fun that they can laugh about and deny later. Who knows maybe a future supreme court justice who will deny sexual assault by yelling about beer."

 

Baseline Bob: "JARTS! Lawn Darts, I loved these. Steel missiles with weighted skewers. When we were kids, we used to throw them up in the air and see who would stand still the longest."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Yes, and so ended the Baseline Bill Show. Still, despite the impaling deaths and injuries, what great fun. Thrown correctly, a dart can come down with over 20,000 pounds of pressure."

 

Baseline Bob: "I remember these, Clackers."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "That’s right, Baseline Bob, also known a Knockers and Click Clacks. Heavy acrylic balls attached to a weighty string had only one purpose: to be knocked together as fast and hard as possible. This resulted in shattered toys and shrapnel flying everywhere."

 

Baseline Bob: "Might as well buy Bag O’Glass."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "That’s right, Baseline Bob, and what a bargain. Or forward thinking parents can buy The Gilbert Glass Blowing Kit. Young children heating up glass to 1000 degrees to experience the magical wonder of the glass blowing arts. What could go wrong?"

 

Baseline Bob: "….Well…."

 

Director (offscreen): "Rhetorical question, Baseline Bob, just look at the teleprompter."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Parents, remember when BB guns weren’t considered particularly dangerous?"

 

Baseline Bob holds up the Austin Magic Pistol: "It’s a ping pong ball gun, nice. Safer than bb-guns."

 

Director (offscreen): "Everyone get back! Baseline Bob, don’t point that at anyone."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Ping pong ball gun: Safe. Ping pong ball gun that fires using -powered combustion of explosive calcium carbide, the 'magic crystals' not so safe. When mixed with water the calcium carbide 'magic crystals' explode and fires a ping pong ball up to 70 feet or more."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "It can also take someone’s eye out, there is also a choking and toxicity hazard, in addition to dying a fiery death by immolation. But Ping Pong Ball Gun!"

 

Director (offscreen): "Baseline Bob, we got to move this along, we’re running out of broadcast time. Just hold up the Yo-Yo WaterBalls made from flammable diesel hydrocarbons which wrap around a child’s neck, choking hazard, poisoning hazard, and burn hazard."

 

Director (offscreen): "Great. Strap on this Belt Buckle Derringer Toy Gun. Careful, the toy gun fires a cap when you push your stomach forward, but your pants might catch fire. Okay, now lean against the metal playground set, now put one of the candy cigarettes in your mouth and hold up the pack like the Marboro Man like we rehearsed. That’s it, kids want to look cool."

 

Baseline Bob: "Yow, ow, ow ow."

 

Director (offscreen): "Yes, the metal playground equipment get searing hot in direct sun, the lads were cooking steaks on the slide earlier. Careful. Remember, look cool. Kids want to know that cigarettes out by the playground with a gun in their pants makes them look cool. Did you get the tether ball in the shot? Good."

 

Director (offscreen): "We don’t have time to cover all of the choking hazard toys, we got one sponsor left."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "KIDS! Ask Mom and Dad to get you the Gilbert  U-238 Atomic Energy Lab. Maybe you think it’s obvious that including uranium in a child’s toy isn’t an especially good idea, but you’d be wrong. Albert Gilbert (inventor of the Erector set), created the most elaborate Atomic Energy educational set ever produced.

 

Baseline Bob: "WOWEE! It has four glass jars containing uranium-bearing ore samples of autunite, torbernite, uraninite, and carnotite, serving as low-level radiation sources of Alpha particles like Lead-210 and Polonium-210, Beta particles like Ruthenium -106 and even lethal Gamma rays like Zinc -65."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: "Baseline Bob.…Baseline Bob! …. BASELINE BOB! …. BOB! You shouldn't take the ore samples out of their jars, they tend to flake and crumble and you would run the risk of having radioactive ore spread out in the room. This raises the background radiation in the room. BOB!

 

Baseline Bob starts waving around the battery operated Geiger counter.

 

Baseline Bob reads from the instruction: "The Wilson Cloud Chamber enables you to actually SEE the paths of electrons and alpha particles traveling at speeds of more than 12,000 miles per SECOND! Viewing the Cloud Chamber action is closest you can come to watching the Atom!"

 

Baseline Bob turns on the Spinthariscope showing the results of radioactive disintegration on the fluorescent screen.

 

Baseline Bob uses the electroscope measuring the radioactivity of different substances in the set.

 

Baseline Bob: "This is totally awesome! Guys! We can play hide and seek with the gamma ray source. Okay, I hide the radioactive ores, and they you guys take turns trying to find the radioactive sample using the Geiger counter. Guys? Guys?! Come back. Where are you going?"

 

Baseline Bob sits down and watches electrons racing at fantastic velocities produce delicate, intricate paths of electrical condensation – beautiful to watch, while reading the comic book, "Learn How Dagwood Split the Atom".

 

(*OOC: Except for Bag O’ Glass and Bag O’ Sharp and Pointy Objects, all actual toys. Honorable Mentions: Magnetix, Buckyballs, Snacktime Cabbage Patch Doll, Polly Pocket, Mini Hammocks, Slip 'n' Slide, Swing Wing, Sky Dancers, Sky Rangers, Water Rockets, Slap Bracelets, Easy Bake Oven, Creepy Crawlers, Moon Shoes, and Wood Burning Kits.*)

 

Remember to pretend to love your children and let the invisible hand of the market protect them.

 

Baseline Bob Show Episode 8 Visits Alien Autopsy Symposium.

By Hannah Dvoryanin

 

Baseline Bob

 

Starring:

Baseline Bob

 

With Special Guest Stars:

Nic Cage In The Cage as Constable Deputy-At-Large Nic Cage In The Cage

Buster Flexo Rodriguez as Buster Buster Flexo Rodriguez.

Doctor Aloysius Zoidfarb as Doctor Aloysius Zoidfarb Zoidfarb.

Floyd H. Farnsworthy as Professor Floyd H. Farnsworthy.

Abano Narweld Sypikne as Abano Narweld Sypikne

 

Episode Picture Highlights:

https://imgur.com/a/i7h0MrM

 

1. New Nerva Station, a.k.a. Laser Tag Moon Family Entertainment Centre

https://i.imgur.com/s7hZoQE.jpg

 

2. Baseline Bob Meeting Farnsworthy and Zoidfarb

https://i.imgur.com/DEf58RP.jpg

 

3. Zoidfarb Examines Abano Narweld Sypikne

https://i.imgur.com/7prNGf4.jpg

 

4. Gravity Gives Out at Bad Time

https://i.imgur.com/UbenPe6.jpg

 

5. Trying to Restore Gravity

https://i.imgur.com/mIlSFBb.jpg

 

6. THE BEES. NO NO NO! NOT THE BEES!

https://i.imgur.com/LTDAtKi.jpg

 

He has no natural immunity to the hundreds of basic varieties and few thousand antigenic varieties of influenza.

 

He has an allergic reaction to penicillin, sulphates, formaldehyde, salicylates, grass, bee stings, cats, dogs, horses, birds, cockroaches, latex, moulds, dust mites, and pollen.

 

He gets a rash from nickel and copper, but we don’t know if that counts as an allergy.

 

He has food sensitivities to cinnamon, garlic, chives, mustard, vanilla, sesame, aniseed, chamomile, linseed, soy, aubergine eggplant, eggs, wheat, dairy, peach, banana, avocado, kiwi fruit, passion fruit, celery, and shellfish.

 

He is susceptible to a host of food-borne illnesses, gastroenteritis, gastro-oesophageal reflux disease (GERD), gallstones, kidney stones, diverticulitis, and ulcers of the stomach and first part of the small intestine.

 

He suffers from hyperlipidemia, anxiety, allergic rhinitis, reflux esophagitis, visual refractive errors, fibromyalgia, myositis, Malaise, fatigue, occasional maxillary sinusitis, occasional acute bronchitis, and nail fungus

 

He is susceptible to upper respiratory infections such as head colds, throat infections and influenza, pneumonia.

 

He is susceptible to long-term respiratory diseases such as hay fever, asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

 

He is susceptible to degenerative arthritis, rheumatoid arthritis, gout, and osteoporosis.

 

He is susceptible to acne and innumerable noncancerous, precancerous and cancerous skin growths, allergic and irritant contact dermatitis, warts, canker sores, genital herpes, jock itch, athlete's foot, ringworm, yeast infections, boils, cellulitis, psoriasis, atopic dermatitis, seborrheic dermatitis, and rosacea.

 

He is susceptible to anxiety disorders, personality and mood disorders, major depression, bipolar disorder, and attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

 

He is susceptible to an array of headache disorders such as migraines, chronic tension-type headaches, but also headaches from ocular, neurochemical, vascular, and architectural causes.

 

He is susceptible to infection by hundreds of different kinds of bacteria, viruses, prions, and parasites that can be transmitted thru sexual intercourse.

 

He has no immunity to Alpers' syndrome, Amebiasis, Anthrax, Ascariasis, Aspergillosis, Babesiosis, Bacterial meningitis, Blastomycosis, Bolivian hemorrhagic fever, Botulism, Bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), Brucellosis, Bubonic Plague, Campylobacteriosis, Candidiasis, Cat scratch disease, Chagas disease, Chickenpox (Varicella), Cholera, Clonorchiasis, Coccidioidomycosis, Colorado tick fever, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, Cryptococcosis, Cryptosporidiosis, Cysticercosis, Cytomegalovirus infection, Dengue fever, Diphtheria, Diphyllobothriasis, Dracunculiasis, Ebola hemorrhagic fever, Echinococcosis, Enterobiasis, Epidemic Typhus, Fascioliasis, Fasciolopsiasis, Fatal familial insomnia, Filariasis, Free-living ameboid infection, Giardiasis, Gnathostomiasis, Gonorrhea, Herpes simplex, Herpes zoster, Histoplasmosis, Human papillomavirus (HPV), Hymenolepiasis, Impetigo, Infectious mononucleosis, Isosporiasis, Kawasaki disease, Kuru, Lassa fever, Legionellosis, Leishmaniasis, Leprosy (Hansen's disease), Leptospirosis, Listeriosis, Lyme disease, Malaria, Marburg hemorrhagic fever, Measles, Melioidosis, Metagonimiasis, MRSA infection, Mumps, Myiasis, Nocardiosis, Onchocerciasis, Pediculosis, Pertussis (whooping cough), Poliomyelitis, Progressive multifocal leukoencephalopathy, Psittacosis, Q fever, Rabies, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Rubella, Salmonellosis, Scabies, Scarlet fever, Schistosomiasis, Severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS), Shigellosis, Smallpox (Variola), Syphilis, Taeniasis, Tetanus, Tinea pedis, Toxocariasis, Toxoplasmosis, Trachoma, Transmissible spongiform encephalopathy, Trichinellosis, Trichomoniasis, Trichuriasis, Trypanosomiasis, Tuberculosis, Tularemia, Typhoid fever, Typhus, Viral encephalitis, Viral gastroenteritis, Viral hepatitis, Viral meningitis, Viral pneumonia, West Nile disease, and Yellow fever. And that’s infectious diseases from just one planet. Yet he reputedly has relatives that refuse vaccinations.

 

Who could stand to live like that?

 

That’s right, Kids….IT’S BASELINE BOB!

 

He is wretched, but you kids love him.

 

We keep him alive, if you can call that living, just so you kids can marvel at the suffering of baseline humani.

 

The Imperium Holo-Net’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, BASELINE BOB!

 

<Cue the Baseline Bob Theme Song>

 

(Kids, it’s kind of mandatory to sing along)

 

It’s Not Your Show,

It’s The Baseline Bob Show,

And Not Your Show,

Which is why it’s called

The Baseline Bob Show,

And NOT called Your Show.

Because….

….It's….

….The….

….Baseline….

….Bob….

….Showwwwwww….

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience uproarious applause and children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: HEY KIDS! Today, Baseline Bob is heading to New Nerva Station, which all of you probably recall is the premium family entertainment location known as Laser Tag Moon, and one of the sponsors of this show.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: This episode’s word of the day is REPTILOIDS! Mention the word of the day, REPTILOIDS, at the ticket counter and get a coupon for half-off at the nacho bar.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: But now get ready for the fun as Baseline Bob meets one of the foremost authorities on the nefarious Reptiloids.

 

Looking disoriented, but less than Baseline Bob, the bespeckled Farnsworthy wanders as if pushed into the New Nerva Station nacho-bar and nearly bumps into a similarly wandering if pushed Baseline Bob.

 

"Oh, my, are we there yet, or here?" questions Farnsworthy looking around thru his thick lensed goggle type eyeglasses.

 

Baseline Bob stares at the gawking Farnsworthy, "Did you bring my pie? I usually get pie with my meds and I have not taken my meds yet, so I need my pie."

 

<Audience laughs and applauds Baseline Bob talking about pie.>

 

Farnsworthy waves his arms exultantly, "Good news, everybody! I did not bring pie, it is not in my job description or contract. And I have tenure, so stuff it. Good news for me at least, because it means I am under no obligation to bring pie."

 

Baseline Bob looking sad and confused, "You don’t like pie?"

 

Farnsworthy stops exulting, "I love pie, where can we get some?"

 

Farnsworthy gathers his wits together and stared at Baseline Bob, "I vaguely recall you. We are supposed to speak about something."

 

The Director from off camera, "Speak about Reptiloids, or you don’t get paid."

 

Farnsworthy, "Oh, my, yes."

 

The Director from off camera, "You don’t get paid and no pie."

 

Baseline Bob looking sad and confused, "You want my pie."

 

The Director from off camera, "Reptiloids, People, Reptiloids."

 

Farnsworthy, "Oh, my, yes, Reptiloids for the win, Alex. As 12 million Fnordians 'know', most governments are run by nefarious Reptiloids, but most people are unsure which members of the government are the Reptiloids."

 

Baseline Bob looking pieless, sad, and confused, "Do they like pie?"

 

Farnsworthy, "They might and often do, to fit in amongst the dullard humani, but I don’t know if they like it."

 

Baseline Bob looks aghast, "Who doesn’t like pie?"

 

Farnsworthy, "Strange people who don’t like their fruit cooks, and of course nefarious Reptiloids. Pay attention, man."

 

Baseline Bob’s face still stuck on looking aghast about someone not liking pie, "What do they like to eat?"

 

Farnsworthy, "Research indicates they like to feed on kittens and human flesh. When Reptiloids have recently fed on human flesh and blood, they exude a strong musky odour that you can sometimes smell when you are in a crowded area; it is similar to human body odour but stronger and muskier."

 

Baseline Bob tries to unstuck his face because of something his mother told him about it maybe sticking that way, "Why do they eat pie if they don’t like it."

 

Farnsworthy, "Because then it would be obvious that they are nefarious kitten-eating REPTILOIDS! They try to fit in. They wear human skinsuits to blend it so they can complete their re-enslavement of humanity schemes."

 

Baseline Bob’s face finally stuck from aghast to dropping jaw, "Fit in? Are they good disguises?"

 

Farnsworthy nods knowingly, but forgets in what direction Baseline Bob is, "Not too bad, but mostly because people are very stupid and don’t recognize the signs of nefarious Reptiloids."

 

Baseline Bob eyes widen in a rare instance of actual interest in the topic, "Tell us, please. I would like to recognize these disguised nefarious Reptiloids looking to re-enslave humanity."

 

Farnsworthy, "Most are pretty good about hiding their aversion to pie and their fondness of eating kittens and feasting on human flesh. Their intense musky B.O. is not enough to recognize them. Reptiloids sometimes use a distinctive cologne wear to mask their feeding odour and as a calling card for each other, which makes many people want to avoid them, get away, and some even gag. It’s a very popular note in many popular fragrances marketed to humani. It is some type of human repellent used as a countermeasure against humans that might recognize their distinctive odour."

 

Baseline Bob looks saddened, "Many people have B.O. and use perfume to cover it. Are we doomed?"

 

Farnsworthy, "Oh, my, yes, doomed. But good news, Everybody! Reptiloids have keen eyesight and piercing eyes, predominantly green or hazel eyes that change colour, but sometimes blue eyes that change to grey or slate depending on lighting conditions."

 

Farnsworthy, "Reptiloids tend to be highly sensitive to bright light & strobe, and are prone to migraines. I flash a high intensity strobe in their eyes and they yell at me, it is a positive indicator."

 

Farnsworthy, "I experimented on my landlady’s son in law, I am pretty sure the angry sot is a Reptiloid. He retaliated the way Reptiloids sometimes do by employing electronic gang-stalking harassment equipment where there are humans who have found out too much about them, it usually induces sleep deprivation enough to deprive the humani of their needed REM state and for their body to repair its DNA. When I wake up from my fitful sleep or nap, the Reptiloid zaps me with a directed energy microwaves weapon which prevents me from remembering what I dreamed or experienced while asleep, and erases my short-term memory."

 

Baseline Bob, "Then how do you know?"

 

Farnsworthy, "Because he is a Reptiloid and it is what they do. I am a scientist, it says so on my blog."

 

Farnsworthy, "While the Reptiloid is shapeshifting, and under some lighting conditions such as playing video games in the dark, or trying the bloody mary test, or in videos or pictures, their reptile-esque eyes are sometimes momentarily revealed. Change of colour, or vertical slits, or deep black with no sclera."

 

Farnsworthy, "Reptiloids often have keen hearing, hearing things others do not hear. Irritated by certain high pitched sounds and loud sharp sounds. I found an alarm whistle or air horn is a good way to test for Reptiloids. It was the second indicator for my Landlady’s son-in-law. He got a restraining order, now I have to move out of my apartment."

 

Baseline Bob, "Sad you have to move."

 

Farnsworthy, "Sad, pfooie, it was a victory over the nefarious Reptiloids, it is proof that I am onto them."

 

Farnsworthy speaks intently, "And red hair. Many Reptiloids have red or reddish hair, or reddish highlights in their hair. Like that red haired tart that broke up with me, calling me a stalker. Called the police for sleeping on her trash bins. Where else was I supposed to sleep? I was kicked out of my apartment. It is irrational talk like that is how you can tell. And the red hair. Vixen!"

 

Baseline Bob, "Pie, kitten eating, human flesh, strobes, whistles, red hair. Good."

 

"There’s more, my dear boy, there’s more," Farnsworthy says as his double espresso kicks in, "One way to spot Reptiloids is jogging. Jogging is an exercise fad created by the Reptiloids. It is remarkably bad for you, hard on your knees and hips. Reptiloids use jogging to be able to monitor neighbourhoods. They wear headsets and pretend to listen to music but are actually communicating their recon missions. When I was forced to sleep in the park, I noticed a lot of nefarious Reptiloids staring at me with their contemptuous piercing stares as if they are better than me because they presumably have a place to live and because of their jogging. Many Reptiloid hybrids have low blood pressure, and low resting pulse rate, and low cholesterol count. They say it’s the jogging, but I know better. Fiends."

 

"Reptiloids wear a lot of makeup, like that red haired vixen that got a restraining order on me. I paid good money for a full half-hour, but then she wouldn’t take my calls afterwards, saying I was too creepy, and sweaty, and smelled badly. These are the kinds of things Reptiloids say."

 

"Reptiloids are often left-handed, often they have cold hands, and cold feet. They propagated the myth of 'cold hands, warm heart' to cover for this. They sometimes make up other excuses like, 'You just don’t make me hot' or 'I am just not that much into you'.

 

Reptiloids wear a lot of makeup to hide the scalelike growths on their skin. Reptiloids sometimes have unexplained scars on body, often from shaving off the scale-like growths from their bodies. They try to say it was from when they had their appendix removed or from the angiogram, but I am not easily fooled. Reptiloids don’t have appendixes."

 

Baseline Bob, "Scaly skin."

 

Farnsworthy now in full rant mode, "Sometimes if you are lucky enough to catch the Reptiloid while shapeshifting, like in video and pictures or playing video games in the dark, you may see their skin change a little. Maybe you see a hint of green all of a sudden, or you notice that the texture becomes scaly or rough. This is why they insist on having the lights on during movies and video games, but not during sex. I used to think, 'what is that about?’ but now I know it’s all Reptiloid strategies."

 

Farnsworthy takes out a celebrity tabloid, which appears creased and crushed as if someone used it as a blanket to sleep with, "Look here. See how most "scales" near various celebrity's forehead are usually dismissed as merely a poorly-attached wig, or poorly done plastic surgery or flaky dryness from lack of proper moisturizer, or an allergic reaction to makeup. They can’t fool the trained eyes. Many Reptiloids exhibit dry skin, eczema, and dandruff, too."

 

Sometimes when ill, the Reptiloids have to use holograms to hide their reptilian skin. Under certain lighting conditions, this is occasionally revealed. This is usually attributed to grainy video or just a play of lighting conditions. When using their holograms, Reptiloids occasionally disrupts electrical appliances. Sometimes just when I am trying to shoplift a few comforts, they deliberately activate the store security systems.

 

Reptiloids have an obsession with space, science, UFOs, alien connections, psychic abilities, ESP, and other esoteric and otherworldly things.

 

Baseline Bob, "Like you."

 

"Except that I am not a Reptiloid. Try to pay attention. One of the hallmarks of Reptiloids is that they have very little or no self conscious awareness."

 

Baseline Bob, "Like you."

 

"Stop that, I am trying to help inform your audience of the dangers of Reptiloids."

 

"There's little you can do to appeal to any kind of human consciousness in Reptiloids. Reptiloids were bred to re-enslave humanity and do not want to deviate from their core conditioning."

 

"Reptiloids tend to have difficulty displaying genuine human emotions, or at least doing so spontaneously. Reptiloids do not naturally display remorse, and virtually empty and devoid of the common human touch. They blame that on not finding me sexy also, but it is not that."

 

"Reptiloids try to fake a higher level of awareness in an attempt to blend in, but it is rarely natural to them. Reptiloids are often afraid to admit that they feel no empathy for certain people, or that they don't care about the environment, but they pretend that they do anyway to throw you off their track."

 

"Reptiloids generally attempt to appear like humans and act as if they have human traits like empathy and self-awareness, but things might still appear . . . not quite right. People sometimes struggle to express it, they might sense something artificial about them, or something like they have 'no light in their eyes'. It is not the usual excuses about a childhood of abuse, or the soul crushing lifestyle of being a street walking prostitute working for smokes and meth, but it is about being Reptiloids."

 

"Reptiloid get frustrated when you ask them if they are Reptiloids."

 

Baseline Bob, "Like you did."

 

"Stop that, I am trying to help inform your audience of the dangers of Reptiloids."

 

"The most common way to spot a Reptiloid is simply one's intuition, if you feel like the person has a Reptiloid presence, then they could very likely be a Reptiloid. Reptiloids who become adept at not behaving "soullessly" are usually groomed by their fellow Reptiloids to be part of the power elite in business, politics and entertainment conditioning to deceive people."

 

"It could be anyone, like that fellow over there, obsessively phoning into his hotel to make special requests."

 

"Or that guy at the bar that insists that I drank his martini."

 

Baseline Bob points, "Or that giant tentacled creature standing behind us?"

 

"Oh, my, no, that’s Zoidfarb. Focus, man, focus, Zoidfarb is a mollusc. Or some other kind of maybe an arthropoid maybe. But focus man, focus. We’re here to cut open nefarious Reptiloids. Zoidfarb is here to perform a necropsy on a Reptiloid we purchased thru the Rigel Trade Authority."

 

Zoidfarb, "I am swelling with the mucus of pride. I took the liberty of fertilizing the caviar."

 

Zoidfarb, "My unsuspecting but delicious new friend, just because you have a bad feeling about someone, this doesn't mean they are a Reptiloid hybrid who is bent on taking over the world but they could be. You might need to adjust your meds, or seek therapy. But why take any chances?"

 

Farnsworthy, "Your doctor might be Reptiloid too, not a trusted Mollusc, so you can’t tell him. He will probably prescribe you some nice meds so that the paranoid or depression symptoms or persistent hallucinations or voices that lead you to detect Reptiloids goes away. But then you won’t know."

 

Zoidfarb, "What do you do if you're absolutely convinced that your local politician or your best friend is a Reptiloid? Nothing, of course. Not all Reptiloids have bad intentions, so don't jump to conclusions about "good" and "evil." just yet. Some Reptiloids are part human and can thus become self-aware.

 

Zoidfarb, "If you get the creepy Reptiloid vibe from someone or from yourself, then obviously steer clear of them. Reptiloid or not, there's no reason to be around someone who gives you the heebie-jeebies. The most common solution is to barricade yourself in your home, refusing all contact with the living world, watch a lot of television, research about conspiracy theories. Or move into a dumpster like my good friend here. Ah, there’s nothing like the first cup of dumpster juice in the morning! You go along with it until a group of mystery enthusiasts foil their fiendish plot with their stoner friends and talking dog. It might be just the crazy neighbour in a disguise using some light tricks, but why take chances? This plays into the Reptiloid’s enslave humanity plot, but at least you won’t be the first to go."

 

Baseline Bob, "Scooby and his friends are on the same network as us."

 

Zoidfarb, "Don’t depend on them, they won’t be in time to help you. Flee, hide, cower, pray ‘em if ya got 'em. Live in fear, it has kept humanity alive for millions of years for all I know."

 

Farnsworthy, "Come, come, Zoidfarb, time to move to the medical bay for the necropsy of the nefarious Reptiloid."

 

“Hooray, I’m useful!”

 

Farnsworthy, "Come along, Baseline Bob, I enjoy watching people’s gorge rise in their mouth when we first cut open the body."

 

Baseline Bob, "I have to wait for my handler, he is still talking with the hotel about the special requests."

 

Farnsworthy, "Nonsense, he can catch up. We’re on a schedule, Baseline Bob."

 

"Okay," Baseline Bob says hesitantly as he followed Farnsworthy and Zoidfarb out of the nacho-bar. "Nic, I will be with the giant mollusc and the creepy homeless guy who wears goggles in medical bay. The Nutrimatic is broken, I need my pie. This might be all a hallucination."

 

<MEANWHILE>

 

"I want you to fill the adjoining room with photos of Jeff Goldblum, make sure they are pictures that looks like he is asking strange questions. "

 

"And I want a framed picture of me from the movie Con Air in the bathroom with a stuffed plushy bunny toy."

 

"I would appreciate a towel folded into the shape of an elephant."

 

"We would enjoy a picture of some sexy looking fruit on the night table."

 

"Please find out what airports can handle my girlfriend’s pet Siberian tiger as live cargo. Please call around and find out who the local camel distributers are."

 

"A bathtub full of wild goat’s milk from Wales please, and about 30 bottles of heated Evian water to clean it off me afterwards."

 

"Two kilograms of Kobe beef for my dog, and 20 kilograms of ice for my penguin guests in the bathtub, needs to be replenished every few hours. Find out if penguins eat kippers."

 

"A collection of plastic baby stegosauruses, from before they were discovered to not actually exist, thanks. And put them inside a fortress made of pillows and if you could, please have the staff draw a picture of what they think I would look like from their imagination and place on my bed I would appreciate it."

 

"Please provide a picture of a dog dressed as a boat captain and place it on my bed, thank you. Preferably a small Dachshund in a captain's outfit and sunglasses, but any recognized breed is acceptable if you can’t find the Dachshund."

 

"Pictures of Fresh Prince actor Alfonso Ribeiro and Baywatch actor Jeremy Jackson, placed on the bed opposite each other like they're looking at each other. And in the afternoon, I want them switched around like they are looking away from each other."

 

"Oh, and this picture of Grandma Winslow from the US sitcom Family Matters, it was supposed to be on the nightstand, not the bed. Where is the staffs’ sense of common decency?"

 

"I need three single red M&Ms on the counter and a 'picture of bacon set on the bed'. Six blue M&Ms on the opposite table."

 

"A framed picture of Sterling Archer, with a note saying 'Welcome to the Danger Zone' to be put on the passenger’s side of the bed, and extra bath towels."

 

"A framed picture of actor Christopher Walken from a cowboy movie hung next to the television."

 

"I would like the beds in the rooms to be made up facing backwards, with the pillows at the feet."

 

"When I got up this morning, there was a naked (except for a leather jacket) guy eating a Fudgesicle at the foot of my bed, I didn’t order that. I want him and the Fudgesicle removed from my room and the bill."

 

"That mime in the lobby does not work for me or the studio, he is just a stalker following me around. Have him arrested and held in a windy impenetrable see thru box."

 

"I need my dinosaur skull taken from the hotel safe and put on main display in my room with baskets of the sexiest looking fruit you can find. Put it next to the full scale replica of my New Orleans cemetery pyramid grave made out of marzipan."

 

"I need a mini-fridge with a combination lock. My cat Lewis keeps getting into the mini-fridge and eating my psychoactive mushrooms."

 

"While I agree that the honey does make the fruit appear sexier, I need the honey out the room, it attracts bees. NO BEES!"

 

Nic Cage looks around, "What’d you say, Bob? Bob?"

 

Nic Cage thinks, "That’s right, time for his pie. And The Nutrimatic is broken."

 

<In the New Nerva Station Medical Bay>

 

Farnsworthy, "As I was saying, Baseline Bob, ….can I call you Bob?"

 

Baseline Bob, "No, it’s in the contract, something about branding. You have to call me Baseline Bob."

 

Farnsworthy, "As I was saying, Baseline Bob, in texts around the world there are recurring stories about Garden of Eden situations involve reptilian entities. Chinese Emperors claimed the right to rule because they are descended from the serpent god called a dragon. Even the European dragon myth draws on the reptilian connection to justify their right to rule."

 

Zoidfarb, "Even such innocent tales such as kissing talking frogs which turn into princes were written by humans who were taken into the Reptiloid breeding programs altering their DNA in their plot to re-enslave humanity. Why do frogs get all the girls, but not Zoidfarb?"

 

Zoidfarb, "Ancient texts across the world, including the Abrahamic Bible had accounts of reptiles interbreeding with humans to form these 'hybrid bloodlines'. Even promoting snakes and reptiles as the new sexy. The early hybrids were regarded as demi gods - part human, part god. But not Zoidfarb, people run away from me in terror sometimes I tell you. Not you, Baseline Bob."

 

Baseline Bob, "I am pretty sure I am hallucinating all of this. I am way over due for my meds and my pie. I think my blood sugar is dropping."

 

Zoidfarb, "These hybrid blood lines were the ones that became the royal families of the worlds. In order to maintain control, hybrids had to spread their bloodlines into top political and business families across the world, pulling the strings of world, seemingly democratic governments, from behind the scenes."

 

Farnsworthy, "The whole obsession of interbreeding among royals and aristocracies in the past, and big business, big banking and political families in the present, and now with hyper-popular celebrities, is to hold the genetic structure together because it would quickly be diluted if they bred outside it. Sure, they can interbreed, but I get in trouble smiling at my cousin at a wedding."

 

Zoidfarb, "Thank you, Bendo, for bringing in the Reptiloid."

 

Buster Flexo, "Buster Flexo, not Bendo."

 

Zoidfarb, "Of course, Buster Flexo."

 

Buster Flexo, "Say it all together now, Zoid."

 

Zoidfarb, "Thank you, Buster Flexo, for bringing in the Reptiloid."

 

Buster Flexo, "Twern’t nothing any incredibly talented robot couldn’t have done, but didn’t."

 

Zoidfarb, "Bob…."

 

Baseline Bob cuts him off, "Baseline Bob, it’s in the contract."

 

Zoidfarb, "Baseline Bob, behold the nefarious Reptiloid."

 

Baseline Bob, "He doesn’t look Reptiloid, he looks human."

 

Farnsworthy, "An ingenious disguise, my possibly hallucinating friend, an ingenious disguise."

 

Zoidfarb, "Baseline Bob, the real test is by cutting him open and examining his insides. There are scanners that can do that, but they can be fooled by their fancy doo-dads. So we cut."

 

As Zoidfarb begins to make a y-shaped incision, a stream of blood squirts out.

 

Baseline Bob, "Corpses don’t bleed, it’s still alive."

 

Trying to calm down Baseline Bob, "Calm yourself, Baseline Bob, it is just a minor mistake. It means this is a vivisection instead of a necropsy."

 

Baseline Bob begins to look faint.

 

Zoidfarb, "Let’s cut open the skull and look at the brain. A great part of human behaviour originates deep within the brain. The brain keeps all of the structures from which it was developed. The most ancient and primitive is the so-called “reptilian brain” which controls the most fundamental animal instincts of survival and reproduction. Fear, rage, hunger and desire."

 

Zoidfarb, "Overlaying the reptilian brain is the limbic, in charge of emotions. The outermost layer is the neocortex, capable of higher thought and operates in various forms of reasoning."

 

Zoidfarb, "The survival is binary fight or flight reflex. It doesn’t use reason to learn from its mistakes, nor use emotions to curb its reactions. It merely acts. When the reptile is activated, it has priority over the limbic and neocortex, the emotional and reasoning are excluded. To give into the reptile is to give up adapting and developing. "

 

Farnsworthy, "Many cultures are an expression of this over-reaction of the reptile. Hierarchical, authoritarian, ritualistic, inflexible. Unfeeling, aggressive, territorial, controlling, obsessive, paranoid. Many societies composed of people who are not much more than expressions of their base instincts."

 

"Leadership designed intentions to overstimulate the Reptilian to keep the masses in a collective state of fear, lethargy, apathy and ignorance. Living under the tyranny of his instincts, Humani places itself under the tyranny of those who would re-enslave it."

 

"Millions of years ago, the Tiamat put their mark on Tellurian DNA. Tiamat’s reptilian remnants in the Tellurian genetic code and brain structures were put there to make them a manageable slave species. The legacy of Tiamat makes Tellurians susceptible to being unfeeling and inflexible, territorial and aggressive, hierarchical and controlling, authoritarian and obsessive, ritualistic, and paranoid. It's the best way to find the reptile. 'The reptile always wins' is the credo given to marketing and propagandists alike."

 

"Over three hundred thousand years ago, Trantorian scientists first attempted to splice some of their own genetic sequence onto the indigenous Tellurian hominids. Six other attempts over the following 230,000 years was hoped to be enough to allow Tellurians to be able to individually overcome the reptile, but it was not enough to wipe out the base reptile within them. The brain keeps all of the structures from which it was developed, the reptilian remnants of Tiamat cannot be excised from the Tellurians. Tellurians cannot be cured of the reptile, they have to overcome it each individually. Most never do, many are fans of your show, Baseline Bob."

 

"My fans like pie."

 

"It was a risky and bold experiment and seemingly doomed to failure; the human species nearly went extinct twice, 70,000 and 13,000 years ago."

 

Zoidfarb, "Farnsworthy, I found the Inphia. This is the right one this time. Prepare the infusion, while I hook it up."

 

Farnsworthy, "Buster Flexo, it’s time."

 

Buster Flexo, "With you on that one, Farnsworthy."

 

In an unconvincingly surprised voice, Buster Flexo as if reading from a cue card, "Oh, no. The gravity has gone out. I will alert the station and have them clear this level of the station."

 

Farnsworthy, "Baseline Bob, you come with me, we will find your handler and see what we can do about the gravity. In the meantime, Zoidfarb here will finish up with our Rakshasan friend."

 

Baseline Bob, "Reptiloid."

 

Farnsworthy, "Like I said, Reptiloid, now let’s hurry along."

 

Farnsworthy, "Buster, you will have to get the directed energy microwave weapon which prevents people from remembering what they dreamed or experienced while asleep, and erases short-term memory."

 

Buster Flexo, "It's in the box next to the gravity console."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Kids, don't worry about Baseline Bob. Baseline Bob has his short-term memory wiped all the time, just not usually on purpose.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: HEY KIDS! Don’t forget our sponsor, New Nerva Station, the premium family entertainment location known as Laser Tag Moon, and one of the sponsors of this show. This episode’s word of the day is REPTILOIDS! Mention the word of the day, REPTILOIDS, at the ticket counter and get a coupon for half-off at the nacho bar.

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: Next Up, the New Scooby Doo will not save you.