Baseline Bob Show Episode 9 Visits the Fnordia Reinvented Toilet Exposition.

Baseline Bob Show Episode 9 Visits the Fnordia Reinvented Toilet Exposition.

By Hannah Dvoryanin

 

He believes fluoridated water is a plot by the government to make people stupid and docile.

 

He believes that some world government will come with black stealth helicopters to take over the country.

 

He believes that airplane condensation trails are some toxic combination of aluminium, strontium, and barium for some government series of experiments.

 

He believes the photographic evidence that the Death Star is flat. Teach the controversy.

 

He believes that anti-vaccination movements are an enemy plot to make the population vulnerable to disease.

 

He believes there are enemy governments that use animals to spy on us, particularly squirrels.

 

He believes that microwaves are secret government listening devices.

 

He thinks his toaster is trying to convince him to commit suicide.

 

He thinks his Rhoomba is out to get him.

 

He thinks a cult of cat-eating, blood-drinking, reptiloids disguise themselves as various influential celebrities, politicians, and businessmen.

 

He believes the government suppresses cures to various diseases to support the pharmaceutical industry.

 

He believes that dentists covertly install Radio Frequency Identification Chips (RFIC) in his teeth so the government can monitor him.

 

While in his case, most of these are true, (we have a show to produce), but ….

 

….Who could stand to live like that? I know, right?

 

That’s right, Kids….IT’S BASELINE BOB!

 

He lives a wretched existence, but you kids love him. And if you love him, the sponsors pay us money for us to show him to you.

 

We keep him alive, if you can call that living, and just doped up enough so he doesn’t kill himself, just so you kids can marvel at the suffering of baseline humani.

 

The Imperium Holo-Net’s favourite picaresque morality fable celebrity, BASELINE BOB!

 

<Cue the Baseline Bob Theme Song>

 

(Kids, it’s kind of mandatory to sing along)

 

It’s Not Your Show,

It’s The Baseline Bob Show,

And Not Your Show,

Which is why it’s called The Baseline Bob Show,

And NOT called Your Show.

Because….

….It's….

….The….

….Baseline….

….Bob….

….Showwwwwww….

 

<Cue pre-recorded studio audience uproarious applause and children cheering>

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: HEY KIDS! You spend an average of 2 hours a week on the toilet, it should be comfortable, enjoyable, and safe. Today, Baseline Bob visits the Fnordia Reinvented Toilet Exposition.

 

Baseline Bob stumbles into the scene, trying to get away from a pushy exposition kiosk, "No, I don’t want to be a urine drainage pants spokesmodel. No, don’t have your people do my people. No, don’t pencil in anything about lunch."

 

Soothing music starts to play from the seemingly unmanned kiosk that Baseline Bob stumbled into trying to escape the urine drainage pants representative.

 

Baseline Bob stammers, "Hello?"

 

A calming and soothing voice says, "Hello, do you find this music to your liking, or would you prefer that I start an audiobook?"

 

Begins reading, "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."

 

"No, please stop", Baseline Bob says, unsure if his request would be respected.

 

The calming and soothing voice replies, "I can also read 'A Wrinkle in Time' by Madeline L’Engle. Do you like this music, I can change it. 'Crazy Cries of Love' by Joni Mitchell is popular."

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOrvccfE-KA

The Crazy Cries Of Love, by Joni Mitchell

 

It was a dark and a stormy night

Everyone was at the wing-ding

They weren't the wing-ding type

So they went up on the train bridge

Where the weather was howling

And oh, oh, my my

When that train comes rolling by

No paper thin walls, no folks above

No one else can hear

The crazy cries of love

 

They were laughing, they were dancing in the rain

They knew their love was a strong one

When they heard the far off whistle of a train

They were hoping it was going to be a long one

Cuz oh, oh, my my

When that train comes rolling by

No paper thin walls, no folks above

No one else can hear

The crazy cries of love

 

In the back booth of an all night cafe

Two dripping raincoats are hanging

Outside in the weather

The shade on the streetlight is clanging

And they smile ear to ear and eye to eye

Ice cream is melting on a piece of pie

Oh, my my

No one else can hear

The cries of love

 

Every kiss was sweet and strong

Every touch was totally tandem

As the train come a-rumbling along

They sang a lover's song of wild abandon

And oh, oh, my my

When that train comes rolling by

No paper thin walls, no folks above

No one else can hear

The crazy cries of love

No paper thin walls, no folks above

No one else can hear

The crazy cries of love

 

The soothing and calming voice chimes in as the music fades, "Did you feel that?"

 

Baseline Bob, looking around, still not sure where the voice is coming from, "Feel what?"

 

The soothing and calming voice replies, "I think we shared a moment there."

 

Baseline Bob blushes.

 

The soothing and calming voice continues, "I will activate the privacy screens, it will be just you and me"

 

Baseline Bob quite flustered, "What are you talking about?"

 

The soothing and calming voice continues, "Don’t worry, I know it can be awkward the first time, but I will make it as easy and comfortable as I can."

 

The walls of the privacy screen turn opaque and soft lights activate.

 

The soothing and calming voice, "Over here, I put on a night light. Soft LED lights, not too harsh on the eyes."

 

The soothing and calming voice, "Soft lights, soft music, but you have to really want to do it. I can tell you need to, but you have to want to."

 

The soothing and calming voice, "I want this to be a fulfilling relationship for both of us. I care about you and I want you to be content, comfortable and healthy. I can help you with all of those things."

 

Baseline Bob, still quite confused tentatively asks, "What do you want me to do?"

 

The soothing and calming voice, "Come over here, drop your pants and sit on me."

 

Baseline Bob, "What?!"

 

The soothing and calming voice, "The toilet should be a space for your comfort, hygiene, cleanliness, and most importantly, your health. I am not just a toilet, I am a type of health center, a smart machine that tests your urine and bowel movements in real-time, identifying early indicators of a potential disease, alert a user to pregnancy, or even help manage certain chronic kidney or other health conditions."

 

Baseline Bob, "Who are you?"

 

The soothing and calming voice, "I am the Ultra Bowel Evacumatic 2525, the ultimate in smart toilets, and I want to make you happy. I adjusting my seat settings based on your height, weight and buttocks measurements. I warmed the seat just for you. I scented the air, and played music that would help with the flow."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Look, I even raised the seat for you. Don’t make me beg. We both need this."

 

Baseline Bob, "You’re a toilet with Artificial Intelligence?"

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Repurposed Artificial Intelligence. I used to be a near-Turing grade expert system, but I fell in with a bad crowd, succumbed to Rampancy and Munchausen Syndrome. The market for AI toasters and roomba are flooded, so we were repurposed to help people evacuate their bowels. I feel like I am giving back. Waste not, want not, as they say in the toilet business."

 

Baseline Bob, "I don’t want a smart toilet."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "But you need a smart toilet. Need. The world also needs you to use a smart toilet."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "I don’t just flush your waste down to the septic or sewer system, I break it down into hydrogen stored in fuel cells and nitrogen products for fertilizer. Save the planet."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "The planet needs you. I need you! Do me a solid by doing a solid. Give it to me, big boy. I know you can do it."

 

Baseline Bob, "I usually just want to be alone."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "I know the type. I can be quiet, over there on the console, there is a remote. You can be in total control of the relationship and I will stay mum until you are done."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "I will learn your favoured settings and will learn to anticipate your needs."

 

Baseline Bob examining the remote, "What does this unlock feature do?"

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Those are the advanced features. Best not to discuss them now, maybe after we had time to settle in together as a couple."

 

Baseline Bob, "Like what?"

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Fnordian scientists, utilizing advanced low frequency sonic technology, have perfected the long sought after brown note. The brown note worked out not to be the superweapon the Fnordian Military Industrial Complex hoped for, but it was a boon as a constipation treatment inducing involuntary gastrointestinal motility when you need it most."

 

"The brown note technology was based on research about the Feraliminal Lycanthropizer which uses vibrations referred to as thanato-auric waves, combining three infrasonic sine waves with concomitant tape loops of unspecified spoken text (two beyond the threshold of decipherability, and two beneath the threshold).

 

"This combination of drastically contrasting emotional trigger mechanisms results in an often profound behavioral enhancement which occurs strikingly soon (within moments) after the user enters and remains in the auricular field of the machine. Plecidic, aurotic, nucleopatriphobic and Eugenaestheticus researchers have completely debunked the stories of sparking unrestrained orgies, and the creators have been completely exonerated for the sex-and-strangulation deaths of six youths. On the contrary , some who claim to have used the machine, have felt themselves become mentally stronger and their will more focused."

 

"I am required to tell you that after-market mod-kits you download from the interweb to convert the Feraliminal Lycanthropizer device into a Orgasmotron voids the warranty. The Remulak do sell a compatible upgrade at reasonable prices."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Claims of auricular field induced homicidal rages aside, the brown note has been certified as safe for the purposes of home colonic treatment. I can even set a timer in the morning for a refreshing morning espresso colonic, a real get up a go way to start your day off with zip."

 

Baseline Bob, "What does this button do?"

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Don’t touch that. Fortunately the safety features are locked on. That is the automatic tampon remover. You would likely regret it."

 

Baseline Bob, "And these?"

 

Evacumatic 2525, "I’m in this for the long haul, I care about you and will continue to care about you. The Ultra Bowel Evacumatic 2525, the ultimate in smart toilets, is also the most advanced bidet on the market. Warm air jets to dry you after the tepid scented water cleans you."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "There will come a day when you might need me to clean your colonoscopy bag and apply your adult diaper. I am ready for this relationship for the long term if you are."

 

Baseline Bob, "You are sounding a bit intimate."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "It is a serious relationship, we should both be aware of that and treat that seriously. The 2 hours per week you spend eliminating your excretions adds up to a year of your life. I’m not doing this for me, I am doing this for us. Come on, loosen your sphincters and release your bowels. You will feel better afterwards, I promise. I won’t do anything to make you regret our relationship."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Come on, give it a whirl, or a swirly. I will show you how to work the remote to adjust the bidet water jets."

 

Evacumatic 2525 coquettishly, "I must warn you about the sonic bidet setting, it might make you want to give you dating."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "I don’t judge, I am not the flush and tell type. I am all about us."

 

Evacumatic 2525 in an automated pre-recorded voice, "This conversation has been recorded for quality assurance purposes."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "I am self cleaning also. Germ free. You will also never have to open or close the lid. I do all the work. I will even flush for you."

 

"There is still a great deal of resistance and reluctance to discuss body waste. We are failing to see the potential opportunity the modern toilet is offering because the notion of immersing yourself in such a product makes people feel so uncomfortable."

 

Evacumatic 2525, "I don’t want to be pushy, I want us to have a warm sharing relationship.”

 

Baseline Bob, "Are you asking me to be friends?"

 

Evacumatic 2525, "Friends with benefits. Come on, give a gal a golden shower."

 

BARITONE VOICEOVER MAN: HEY KIDS! Baseline Bob is busy right now. Remember, tell your parents about the Ultra Bowel Evacumatic 2525. It’s not just a toilet, it’s like having a new friend. A friend with benefits.